Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Swine Flu

At the risk of sounding completely insane I will bare my soul to the deepest depths and let you all in on a little secret: I want the Swine Flu.

On the surface, it may look like I am a masochistic maniac, or just an idiot. While I can't claim that I don't have just a little bit of stupid in me (I have won plenty of Stupid Contests in my life), I don't think I'm off base. Bear with me here...

I want the Swine Flu because it's HUGE! Everybody is talking about it, and I don't want to be left behind when it finally goes away. Imagine telling your future grandchildren about the time you had Swine Flu during "The Pandemic of 2009/2010", which will of course sound so far into the unimaginably distant past. When they say "that seems so far in the unimaginably distant past", you can provide them with a little perspective by telling them that it was the end of the age of Capitalistic Ideals in America. I digress.

Imagine the feeling of surviving something like Swine Flu. In it's own way, it's being a warrior against sicknesses named after filthy animals, a feat that not many can say they have completed. Swine Flu is instant 15 minutes of fame. As soon as you get out of that doctor's office, you call the news, and BAM! You're the latest documented case of Swine Flu in your area. They probably won't even say your name on TV or the radio, but you know. That's all that counts. Plus, my immune system could use some good exercise. It's been far too uneventful of a year, and I feel like something big is on the horizon.

If anyone knows that they actually have Swine Flu, come on over and cough on me a little bit (or a lot, whatever). I've got an ABC News reporter on speed dial, ready to tweet the news whenever I give him the go-ahead.


  1. You have just explained exactly how I feel and the crazy thoughts that go on inside my head. And no, I do not want to be a contributer to your blog.

  2. For Pete's sake Lucas, you already had chicken pox, what else do you need?