Friday, September 11, 2009

How to be a successful freeloader

I moved into my new apartment at the end of July and have been busy getting the place ready for the arrival of Mrs. Buck. Within one day of moving in my sweet pad I had effortlessly acquired a freeloader roommate. 43 days later my freeloader has settled in quite nicely and should be keeping me company until the day of Mrs. Buck's much anticipated arrival. Typically our society looks down on the freeloader as an irresponsible loser who manipulates others for their own good because they are too lazy to do anything themselves. That may be true, but I think that can be a little harsh, and there should be exceptions. I believe that there is such a thing as a high quality freeloader that you would be blessed to have in your life. As such, I would like to give some advice on how to be a good freeloader for all of you that are discerning this as a future vocation.

Firstly, let's discuss entitlement. If you want to freeload then you need to quickly learn how to hide any sense of entitlement. You are paying less than a dime for rent and there are no words you can use to argue that you deserve anything in this situation. Therefore, you need to learn some tactics to evade these potential problems of tension. It may be smart to find ways to buy/steal your own food, or at least not go near the treasured bag of chicken patties. If you do need to mooch some food I recommend going for things that won't be noticed such as the frozen vegetables or an occasional slice of bread or a couple of eggs. Be sneaky and considerate and you'll do just fine.

Secondly, if you clean up your messes it's as good as if you weren't even there at all. People can only get angry at you for freeloading if you're making their life worse. Now if you go above and beyond and clean up their mess too you've just created value that they didn't have before. Do they have a cleaning service? Probably not, so now the pages have turned, and even though they are giving you shelter they will also be thanking you.

Thirdly, spontaneous acts of charity are a must. If you bring home an extra large order of curly fries on your way back from Arby's then how can they get mad at you for not paying rent?! Not only are you keeping things clean, but you're providing them with free curly fries that they weren't expecting! Who doesn't want free curly fries??

Finally, the most important tool to successful freeloading is to be awesome! Here are your options as far as perception: 1. You are the lazy friend who lives on the couch, or 2. You are the most fun person in the world to be around, and your very presence is creating crazy awesome experiences every day. You are living on the edge by refusing to conform and get a job, and so you need to bring some of that edginess into the home so that it feels like the very air around you is singing Highway to the Danger Zone from Top Gun. Encourage frequent trips to the bars, go on pointless road trips, throw a mustache theme party, etc.

Now go out there and change the world!

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