Thursday, September 17, 2009

Shoulder Pads

Genetically speaking, I am what you would consider a "specimen". The unrivalled & unparalleled DNA sequences housed in my superior bone structure and army of an immune system leave little to be desired. That said, there are a few inconsequential features of my body that leave some room (not much though!) for improvement. Most of these are invisible to the untrained eye, but one stands out above the rest. I don't have very broad shoulders.

To most, this is hardly a deal-breaker. To me, "Mr. Detail" as I like to call myself, I find it unnerving and disconcerting at best. However, due to the innovative nature of the human race, we have developed the end-all solution to my dilemma - shoulder pads.

Let me hit you with a quote from the "Fashion-Era" webpage (a quick look at their site will give instant credibility to their material) to emphasize the importance of shoulder pads:

"Designers tried to drop the shoulder pad in the same way they tried to drop the mini for the maxi in the sixties, but as in the case of the mini the public stuck to what they wanted...and they wanted shoulder pads. By its nature a shoulder pad creates a smooth line over the natural hollows of the collar bone area. Women suddenly noticed that shoulder pads smoothed out body postural imperfections and they liked the effect."

I have already begun converting all of my t-shirts to accomodate velcro shoulder pad inserts. Just a few more quiet evenings at home with my sewing machine and a bottle of chilled Rosé di Regaleali (a very fine rose wine which I reserve for special occasions and sewing projects), and I should be finished. I'm going to have to get some lotion for my hands though - the rough part of the velcro is tearing up my banker-like hands.

There you have it, even the best of us genetically have our flaws (minute as mine may be), but with a little innovation, some hard work, and a bottle of wine, we can all learn to improve our feelings of self worth (and now with broad shoulders, I now look even MORE intimidating!).


  1. I don't mind the slouch look myself on normal days ... but when I pop that suit on watch out! Those shoulders start looking sharp!

  2. Your grandmother will be proud to know that you are sewing. (Do you have my machine?)And I am very grateful that you were not born with broad shoulders - unlike your brother, Max.