Thursday, September 24, 2009

Foods I hate, Part I

To some, I would be considered a picky eater. Red meat and starches are dietary staples to be consumed in mass quantities. This isn't meant to diss vegetables though - I like vegetables. In fact, broccoli might be my favorite vegetable of all time. I like plenty of foods, as long as they're not weird or gross. Is that too much to ask?

I don't mean to make this post about foods I like. This is about foods I DON'T like. In fact, I aim to make this the first post in a series about foods that really bake my clams (I hate clams). Enjoy! Because I won't!

The Spawn of Satan. My cousin once described them as "spewy", which I thought described everything tomatoes were about. What's with that gross jelly-like substance in the middle of them? I've tried very hard to like tomatoes, yet I still can't stomach them.There is nothing worse than biting into a sandwich and discovering a tomato. All you can do is sit there with an open mouth full of sandwich, trying to not let the tomato touch any part of your mouth.

Strawberry Jam
Whoever decided that leaving the seeds inside jam or jelly would be a good idea? Probably the same people who decided that 12 grain bread & crunchy peanut butter were good ideas. It's taken me some time to get over my fear of the texture of beans, but God help me if I ever have to bite down on a sandwich with strawberry jelly again. My whole body turns to jell-o at the thought.

I will never understand how seafood restaurants stay in business. Every menu item tastes exactly the same. I don't care if it's crab legs, salmon, halibut, shrimp, or mussels, they all taste like fish, which is unforgivable. In my opinion, if you have to fry something to make it even remotely palatable, you need to find something different to eat.*

*Potatoes excepted

Lots of them are poisonous, and they grow on the dark side of poop. 'Nuff said

While I acually like mayo, everything about it is really just wrong.

Organ Meats
Ok, these are just gross. I know people who love chicken livers and can't wait to fry up that heart that came inside the chicken when they bought it. IT'S AN ORGAN! I know I said I love red meat, but wow. Just wow. I would only consider the thought of eating organ meats if my name was Bear Grylls and I was a total bad-ass. Oh, I would have to be literally starving first too. I'm really not looking to be bad ass here, just alive.

There's plenty more where this came from. Stay tuned for what else I hate.


  1. I know some people think I'm crazy for disagreeing with what people like. I know I'm a picky eater, but I think you are crazy (and wrong) to speak against jams or jellies with seeds, tomatoes, salmon, and mushrooms. Raspberry jelly with low sugar and full seed content is among the best thing made out of berries. Tomatoes, though never my favorite, are actually pretty good. What else are you going to put on toast with your bacon and lettuce? Salmon is perhaps the best thing that comes out of the sea. On the whole I abhor and abominate seafood. And the mushroom, that glorious fungus, is great on pizzas or just sautéed by themselves are flat out delicious. So, realizing that your ideas about food are outlandish and absurd, I may never take your opinions seriously again.

  2. Wow. Lucas. You've successfully made me mad.
    You've named every last one of my favorite foods. I agree with Al above, that I cannot disagree that this is what you think but I can make a valid case FOR each one of these beloved foods of mine.

    Tomatoes are in essence sunshine. If you ever wondered what materialized sunshine is, here you go! It takes a summertime of sunshine, and warm evenings and you end up with this amazing fruit great in salsa, on sandwiches, making soup, and pasta sauces!

    Strawberry Jam without seeds is what is wrong. Think about making jam with strawberries, whoever took the time to remove the seeds prior to the smushing process had too much time on their hands. Jam with seeds just tastes... natural!

    Seafood represents a long hard day of work... Anybody who has fished or even just met a fisherman can appreciate the variety of the sea. When you catch a fish there is a certain pride in turning it into your supper. FYI crab tastes nothing like fish. You've probably only eaten imitation crab which is indeed made with fish.

    Lots of them are not poisonous. In fact they keep dung heaps in business, so don't diss the shrooms... you need to try an authentic mushroom quesadilla with Oaxaca cheese... mmm...

    I completely agree. Nothing is more wrong than this.

    Organ Meats
    Here is a way to really use every part of the animal. Not only is it healthy and tasty but you are better using our resources if you eat them.
    Hearts. Tongue. Tripe.... yum.

  3. Wow, people are getting a little touchy at the fact that I don't appreciate what they do...I can't make myself like all these foods!

    It's just like when someone has Skyline Chili and says they don't like it - it's infathomable for me to think that someone doesn't like that cheese-covered meat sauce goodness...It's possible I guess.

    Well, stay tuned - because there's plenty more foods for me to rip.

  4. Oh, and for the record, I've had fresh crab legs, and I think they're disgusting...I've tried SO many times to like them, but it's impossible.

  5. Lucas, I'll come to your defense. I hate all of those foods that you mentioned (in varying degrees) except for strawberry jam. I like the seeds, is why. In fact, there are so many foods I hate, that I'm probably the pickiest eater in Ohio. Give me meat and starch, and I'm content. (But some vegetables WOULD be nice... And apples. And oranges.) I guess I'm not so picky, but if there's dairy or eggs in it, I have no qualms whatsoever with potentially hurting someone's feelings by not wanting to eat what they made. I'm just sayin'.

  6. Maybe out of pride, or maybe out of fear of having offended, but I definitely feel the need to clarify as I feel misunderstood.

    My intention was not to disagree or counter Lucas' reasons for disliking these foods, but rather take the opportunity to share why I happen to like these foods.

    I did not say it is wrong for him to hate these things nor do I think he is crazy. In fact I appreciate that Lucas has reasons for why and does not just blindly hate something. In the same way Lucas provided an argument for his aversions, I provided an argument for my likings.

    I hope this helps to clear the air. No judging here on my part. In fact I'm extremely amused by Lucas' reasons and maybe it is for that reason I felt animated to philosophy (verb) on why I feel the way I do.

    I hope nobody was offended, specially you Luke! Above all, thanks for providing a forum in which friendly bantaring can take place!

  7. "Wow. Lucas. You've successfully made me mad."

    Sounds like someone disagrees!