Foods I love, part I

As an addition to my running posts regarding "Foods I hate" (part 2 here), I have decided to escape the often-negative voice that many of my posts embody and show my positive side. Therefore, logic would dictate a post about foods that I love. These are foods that I am always willing to hastily absorb into the bottomless pit of my beautifully man-figured body at any moment of any day. I will share with you the foods that make my world go 'round, and since I am quite eligible at the moment, a sneak-peek at the quickest way to my heart.

Skyline Chili
Yeah, I know there's 850 calories in just one of these bad boys (not to mention the 320 that go with the obligatory cheese coney appetizer), but I just can't get enough Skyline chili. Who would have thought that a soupy meat sauce flavored with cinnamon and chocolate laid to rest on a thick bed of spaghetti noodles and topped with copious amounts of shredded cheese could be so addicting? If you don't like Skyline Chili, we're no longer friends. If you dare suggest Gold Star Chili as an acceptable substitute for Skyline, I will punch you in the kidneys. Skyline or Bust.

Chipotle Burritos
You think Skyline is bad for calories? Try one of these giants on for size. According to the "Chipotle Nutrition Calculator 2.0", my weapon of choice boasts 1015 calories in a single burrito. On certain occasions, I have been known to toss down 2 in one sitting, but since that borders on gluttonous behavior, I have decided to henceforth refrain from such activities. Throw in some of the Chipotle Tabasco sauce and I'm in heaven.

Goetta
What do you get when you take a bunch of leftover scrap pork, mix it with steel-cut oats & shape it into a fryable loaf? That's right - God's gift to Cincinnati. At first glance, Goetta seems like a way for peasant-like people to get the most out of all of their butchering scraps by seasoning them and adding oats as a filler, but this is far from accurate. No - Goetta is for the highest of classes. Originally labelled as a breakfast food as a substitute for sausage or bacon, goetta has broken from the stereotypes and forced it's way into the lunch/dinner/midnight snack discussion. It's gotta be Glier's Goetta though...anything else pretty much tastes like crap.

Cereal
Here's another example of a food item that has broken from the breakfast-only realm of sustenance to an all-day-any-day type of nourishment. So many people will agree with this one that I will just let it ride...

Broccoli
Wanna see a food that has a bad reputation for no reason? Broccoli's your man. However, I've stuck with it through thick and thin, and we've become best buds. No matter which way it's prepared, I'm always up for a little broccoli action; raw, steamed, casserol'd, baked, fried, boiled - all are delicious. The only exception to this is the occasional large stem with which some heads are endowed. The simple remedy for this is to cut them in cross-sections and pretend they're little edible turtles. That always makes my day just a little brighter.

I could go on and on for days about foods I love, but I will end my list here because I'm salivating too heavily to continue. Stay tuned for another installment of "Foods I love"!

Foods I hate, Part II

Welcome to part II of "Foods I hate".

In the first installment of "Foods I hate", we learned about my profound disgust for tomatoes, mushrooms, mayonnaise, organ meats, strawberry jam/jelly & and seafood. This part delves further into foods that spoil my fragile palate. Enjoy, or actually...don't, because what I'm about to lay out is NOT enjoyable.

Flavored Coffee

Usually I like my coffee with sugar and cream like any normal human being, and if need be, I don't mind drinking it black. In fact, drinking black coffee makes me more of a man every time I participate; my manly mane of chest hair growing thicker with every sip. However, there is a mainstream movement inside every "gourmet" coffee chain like Starbucks or Flying J to strip this wonderful drink of its beauty and desecrate its very core by adding flavored syrups to "enhance" the taste. Coffee tastes perfect, unless when it's transluscent. In that case, you should add more grounds to the original batch and run the coffee through again. Coffee can never be dark enough.

Spinach

That Popeye is full of sh--. I could eat McDonalds every day and pop a few 'roids every hour or so and get jacked like crazy. Sure, spinach might be considered "healthy" and "good for you", but so are Flintstones vitamins. If I were a horse I might like raw spinach, but I'm a human. I like hamburgers. Cooked spinach is even worse - if someone were to come up to you and say "Hey! Eat this steaming pile of green mush and tell me what you think of it", I have a hard time believing they wouldn't get smacked in the face with a rolled up newspaper. Don't bring that crap near me or I'll kill you.

Peas

Peas are like disgusting Dippin' Dots. Whoever thought that it would be a good idea to eat a bunch of green mushy balls off of a plate is severely mistaken. How am I supposed to even start to eat them?! I used to lump grean beans and peas in the same category or disgusting vegetables, but then I came to the light after tasting some delicious green beans. I won't be coming to that same conclusion with peas. Every time I am confronted with peas on a plate, I'm not sure whether to stab them with a fork or scoop them with a spoon. Any way you cut it, peas make everyone eating them look 2 years old again. The only acceptable use for peas is to split them and put them in soup. Even that smells bad, but at least I don't end up smashing it on the floor.

Indian Food

You think you're all "artsy" and "cultured" by going to that Indian Bistro uptown in the college district? I've got a news flash for you. You're not. You're gross. Don't argue with me. If I ever start dating a girl who suggests an Indian restaurant as a date idea, we're probably going to break up on the spot. Unless they have hamburgers.

Eggplant

I will never consume anything named "Baba Ghanoush". I don't think I've ever knowingly eaten eggplant before, and I think it's best that we never meet.

Feel free to add your own or tell me why I'm an idiot. Except if you tell me I'm an idiot, I'll probably start getting mean. Fire away at your own risk.

Foods I hate, Part I

To some, I would be considered a picky eater. Red meat and starches are dietary staples to be consumed in mass quantities. This isn't meant to diss vegetables though - I like vegetables. In fact, broccoli might be my favorite vegetable of all time. I like plenty of foods, as long as they're not weird or gross. Is that too much to ask?

I don't mean to make this post about foods I like. This is about foods I DON'T like. In fact, I aim to make this the first post in a series about foods that really bake my clams (I hate clams). Enjoy! Because I won't!

Tomatoes

The Spawn of Satan. My cousin once described them as "spewy", which I thought described everything tomatoes were about. What's with that gross jelly-like substance in the middle of them? I've tried very hard to like tomatoes, yet I still can't stomach them.There is nothing worse than biting into a sandwich and discovering a tomato. All you can do is sit there with an open mouth full of sandwich, trying to not let the tomato touch any part of your mouth.

Strawberry Jam

Whoever decided that leaving the seeds inside jam or jelly would be a good idea? Probably the same people who decided that 12 grain bread & crunchy peanut butter were good ideas. It's taken me some time to get over my fear of the texture of beans, but God help me if I ever have to bite down on a sandwich with strawberry jelly again. My whole body turns to jell-o at the thought.

Seafood

I will never understand how seafood restaurants stay in business. Every menu item tastes exactly the same. I don't care if it's crab legs, salmon, halibut, shrimp, or mussels, they all taste like fish, which is unforgivable. In my opinion, if you have to fry something to make it even remotely palatable, you need to find something different to eat.*

*Potatoes excepted

Mushrooms

Lots of them are poisonous, and they grow on the dark side of poop. 'Nuff said

Mayonnaise

While I acually like mayo, everything about it is really just wrong.

Organ Meats

Ok, these are just gross. I know people who love chicken livers and can't wait to fry up that heart that came inside the chicken when they bought it. IT'S AN ORGAN! I know I said I love red meat, but wow. Just wow. I would only consider the thought of eating organ meats if my name was Bear Grylls and I was a total bad-ass. Oh, I would have to be literally starving first too. I'm really not looking to be bad ass here, just alive.

There's plenty more where this came from. Stay tuned for what else I hate.