ACNS Enterprises, LTD.

New Home!

2009-11-11T14:00:00.000-05:00

We're moving the blog!

I've done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, and I've decided to take the blog to Wordpress. It's got some better features on my side of things, and I think you'll like it there. For the people who read us on Facebook, the page will stay the same, and so will the Twitter updates - just the blog address.

So switch your RSS Feeds & bookmarks to: http://acatnamedsteve.wordpress.com - because that's where we'll be!

Leave us a comment at the new site letting us know how we can better serve you and keep you coming back!

Observations

2009-11-10T16:54:00.000-05:00

It's been a hiatus to say the least. After a two and a half week vacation, I am back in action in Northern Virginia, and happily living with my wife, Mrs. Buck. I'm already eating better food for dinner, and the Mario Cart competitions are something fierce. Wedding festivities in Pennsylvania were an epic four days of family, friendship, feasting, and booze. I think it would be fair to say the past few weeks were the best days of my life. Therefore, I shall share a few observations from my wedding and honeymoon experiences.

1. Snorkels are not good shot glasses.
2. Good friends get you drinks at your reception. Responsible friends get you water at your reception.
3. Wedding rings are universally awkward for all guys to wear the first month of marriage. It is our common bond of unity, and we can spot each other a mile away.
4. First Class air travel is not claustrophobic, and it gives flight attendants a purposeful job.
5. Although I have been to a mere minority, I'm confident that Maui is the best island in the world.
6. Hawaiian food is scrumptiously delicious.
7. Hawaii weather flawless. Always.
8. A Jack o' lantern carved out with a blow torch is Halloween done right.
9. People do not give you gifts you want or need for your wedding.
10. I like marriage.

Perspectives on a Poultry Harvest: Bill E.

2009-11-09T20:10:00.006-05:00

The chickens were ripe for the plucking, and my good friend Ezekiel Mossback was feeling opportunistic. He raises poultry out in Hoosierland, and he needed my help with the slaughter, scalding, plucking and gutting. They say "Early to bed and early to rise makes Bill E. a pre-loader at UPS and very tired", but I made the trek out to Ezekiel's homestead last Friday night for a Saturday Poultry Harvest. Steve's owner Lucas met me out there. It should also be noted that the Willig Matron lent us her artful plucking services for the day.

The day began with what will be forever immortalized (I know that's redundant, but the point needs to be made) as the "Traffic Cone Fiasco", or TCF. For slaughter, the chickens are placed headfirst into upside down sawed-off traffic cones. I had been telling Zeke that his plans for suspending them by taping them to the barn posts would be fruitless, but his country folk stubbornness would not mind my city-slicker attitude. He kept insisting that things be done "the old farm way" and that he was not about to ditch 300+ years of Mossback farming tradition on account of some hokey dude from the 'burbs. But when the pole-taped cone was squeezed too hard to allow a single chicken head through, he begrudgingly allowed me to go with my brilliant idea: a pair of 2-by-4's strung between the barn poles between which the traffic cones could snuggly nestle. I spend so much time on this anecdote because it was really only meaningful contribution I made the whole day.

I caught a few chickens with Z-Moss and wheeled them back to the farmhouse, where I pondered the wonders of man-made technology (redundant again) as I watched something called the "Plucker 3000" skillfully remove the feathers from a freshly dead bird and give Ezekiel a half-way decent backrub.

It could have been my destiny to slaughter chickens that day, but I instead chose what I am going to call "Ignorant Manifest Destiny" or IMD, and decided to help gut the chickens.

As I leaned over a sink with a sage Mossback elder for upwards of the next 9 hours, severing chicken legs and pulling off their heads, scraping my fingernails into their putrid innards, hoping that a stray squeeze on my part didn't cause some leftover excrement to sputter out of their anii and listening to Lucas spew a variety of oaths whilst trying to coerce the scalding water to EXACTLY 145 degrees, I reflected that it is indeed natural for the human to work. Not in the Communist sense of Marx, but in the Christian sense in imitation of St. Joseph. Work in this context is not the telos of man but the result of love, which is man's true telos. I also reflected on how long it would be before I could bring myself to eat chicken again.

Actually, it was today, when I ate a chicken patty sandwich at school. Though it was a processed mess with no resemblance to the wholesome free-range meat of Mossback's farm, it was the first step on the journey back to enjoying chicken.

That night, Sage Elder Mossback took us to eat at the local tavern in appreciation for the help. Actually, he was just really hungry and too tired to cook. None of us ordered any chicken. I was effectively asleep before the meal was finished and we drove back. In lieu of our usual night of Mossback Music, I dreamt of a local bishop playing "The Night they Drove Old Dixie Down" on the piano for the entrance song at a mass to make a facetious point about good liturgical music. I blame the poultry.

Needless to say, I have baited my breath for the summer poultry harvest. Give Mossback a ring on the tele for the finest free-range chickens east of the Mississippi.

Lucas and Bill - Roommates turned chicken butchers

2009-11-06T16:30:00.003-05:00

So, this weekend, Bill & I have agreed to spend our time with our dear old friend Ezekiel Mossback assisting him with the unfortunate task of slaughtering, plucking and gutting chickens for sale to the general public.

While initially, I agreed to help with this endeavor because I enjoy spending time at & helping out with chores at Ezekiel's farm, I am now reconsidering the enjoyment factor of such activities. While the end goal of prividing healthier farm products to those who are more health conscious is noble, there lies a responsibility with the person responsible for taking the lives of the chickens. Taking a life is a serious thing - and it must be done with the utmost respect for the God-given gift of life.

That said, I'm kinda scared. I'm scared that I will not be able to fulfill this duty properly - I'm afraid that these animals will suffer unnecessarily on my watch, and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that.

That said, I will try my hand at butchering chickens this weekend. I've watched a few instructional videos on the most humane way to bleed out a chicken, and the care needed in the situation is humbling, to say the least. Hopefully, I can emerge from this experience with some good stories to tell & cross off one of the lines of my 'bucket list'.

I hope I don't puke my guts out. We'll talk Monday.

Thursday Rant

2009-11-05T15:27:00.001-05:00

Judge Judy, that lace collar isn't make me take you seriously...

Every day around lunchtime, I mosey on over to the break room. With such amenities as a refrigerator (albeit gross and infested with month-old leftovers), a microwave, tables and chairs, the setting is perfect for enjoying a delicious Healthy Choice meal. This affords me the chance to take a break from the mental strain of a stressful work day, collect my thoughts, and prepare for extreme productivity in the second half of the work day (like blogging...).

Occasionally, I find myself as the only person in the break room, allowing me to control the complimentary 19 inch television mounted to the wall. In such instances, I enjoy the freedom to watch ESPN and catch up on all the tired, overplayed stories like Brett Favre and his waffling over whether or not to retire (they're probably still talking about him right now).

Finding myself as the only break room occupant, however, is rare. Most times, I am forced to share my quiet time with coworkers. Now, don't get me wrong. I like my coworkers - and I'd like to think they like me. My issue is not one of like or dislike though. Most times I head to the break room for lunch, other people have comandeered the break room for their evil ways. Evil meaning that they have the remote, and I don't.

Problem is, I don't think many of them realize that the television programming they watch greatly affects my truly trivial opinion of their tastes. If you, dear readers, were to collectively ask me what would be on the TV in the breakroom if one of my coworkers were in control of the remote, I would definitively answer "fake court show depicting uneducated low-income people involved in ridiculous disputes", I would be 100% right, except for the other 50% of the time there's "World's most extreme explosions" enveloping the screen.

Now, I don't doubt that these shows can be entertaining, even addicting to some, but the level of serious fanship that exists not only at my workplace, but undoubtedly in countless others to these "Judge Judy"-style shows reflects negatively on my perception of the person and how well-educated or well-rounded they may be. This applies not only to fake court shows, but reality shows as well. When did we become a society that entertains itself by watching the drama created by mixing together a bunch of seemingly incompatible and combatitive personalities?

Regardless, people (my coworkers especially!) need to realize that the content of the material they are ingesting into their heads is, while entertaining, severely influencing and helping to form my ultimate opinion of them. Brett Favre needs his airtime, and I aim to give it to him.

My brain hurts...

2009-11-03T23:15:00.000-05:00

But what if...I don't know what would...how would that?..

That Pinnochio is a LIAR.

Well, DUH...

2009-11-02T21:40:00.000-05:00

*Picture "borrowed" from Engrish.com

"The Eater"

2009-11-02T16:15:00.007-05:00

Fearsome. Infamous. Grotesque. Horrible.

All of these adjectives have been used to describe that which we dread: The Eater.

But have we been to harsh? I'll tell you what happened to me yesterday. I saw The Eater. It's true. It was The real Eater himself. He's actually not half-bad. I was patrolling the forests when I saw him. I was petrified. I knew he saw me as well. I fell to my knees and begged, nay, pleaded for my life.

But it turns out The Eater was actually not interested in consuming me at all. He was actually a pretty chill sort of dude. Sure, he was The Eater and he even enjoyed it, but really the economy had him looking for work just like everyone else. He just wanted to follow his dream and earn his money making music. Can't fault a guy for that. Hell, this cat even had some chops. I know, I saw it later.

Now, I'm not saying he might not pop off and just eat one of us one of these times. I mean, that's what he does. But the guy really just wants to make music. As long as I gots my guitar, this one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple person is safe.

Ohio's Real Problem

2009-11-02T14:49:00.004-05:00

Ohio needs to step up and grow a pair.

At this very moment, a debate rages over the possibility of allowing casinos to open their doors for business within the borders of the state, the proponents promise the creation of 34,000 new jobs in the state, effectively "solving" the unemployment issues we are currently facing, in addition, the incoming tax revenues created through the tourism & entertainment appeal of the casinos would stabilize the struggling local economies. Opponents of "Issue 3", set to be voted on tomorrow make the case for keeping casinos out of the local neighborhoods because they claim that the figures of new jobs and projected revenue are grossly overstated, not to mention certain provisions that give complete controlling interest of the casinos to certain people - who happen to operate outside the state of Ohio.

This is a trivial debate, and not something with which I will waste any more time.

No, the real problem with Ohio's economy & overall resident happiness lies in the quality of life being provided by business owners in the state. While the casino debate rages on, there are more pressing issues that need to be addressed by both the state house & senate.

About a week and a half ago, I traveled to Pennsylvania for Buck's wedding. While my general opinion of Pennsylvania is that it kinda sucks, the quaint little town of Bethlehem provided me the opportunity to develop a new perspective from the original opinions formed from visiting Pittsburgh and it's filthy surroundings.

In my re-acquaintance with the state, I realized that while I love my home state, my previously dismissive attitude toward Pennsylvania had been changed. It wasn't due to the beauty of the surrounding farming communities or the old-fashioned setting of the downtown area, but rather the quality of the convenience stores & the beer offered. Specifically, the presence of Wawa stores & Yuengling beer.

Yuengling springs forth from the oldest operating brewery in the United States. A 5th generation family-owned business, the quality of their lager beers is unparalleled in terms of taste to price ratio. Unfortunately, it is only offered East of the Western Pennsylvania border, where it reigns triumphantly at the meager price of $6.99 for a 12 pack.

While Yuengling offers the customer a time-tested tradition of brewing excellence, Wawa is a more modern experience that cannot be described quite as easily. At first glance, Wawa seems nothing more than a gas station coupled with the standard convenience store anemities. Despite this clever facade, the experience that Wawa provides is uniqe and unmatched. In their quest to provide the best possible customer experience, they have included everything. Have a hankerin' for some quality coffee? They can not only provide it, but the consistently fresh-brewed selection is unrivaled, only to be enhanced by the options of fresh milk, half-and-half, full cream, and even Irish Cream as a benefit to their customers. Personally, I have never expereinced iced coffee quite as fantastic either.

In addition to their fantastic coffee, Wawa also offers a made-to-order food service where you can nourish yourself with a full meal. Soft pretzels are readily available - again, always fresh & delicious, made with love. There are even more pieces to the experience that I can't think of at the moment, but undubitably underappreciate. Indescribable.

Ohio needs these things. Overall, both Yuengling & Wawa will improve the quality of life for Ohio's extremely loyal residents, without the possibility of attracting the usual swindling riff-raff known to frequent the casino scene. I know it's a long shot to expect things to change overnight in Ohio, but that doesn't mean that my opinion is worth nothing. Let's get working to get these products in Ohio, I'm writing my congressman right now.

New Author!

2009-11-02T14:32:00.001-05:00

I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome my good friend Ezekiel Mossback to the ACNS family!

Ezekiel lives on a farm in rural Indiana where he currently raises chickens and pigs. I have visited him on numerous occasions to learn more about the art of farming and raising animals, and I am held in rapt anticipation for this coming weekend when I will have the opportunity to help slaughter the chickens and prepare them for sale to the general public. Great care has been taken to make these the healthiest damn chickens you've ever seen.

As you can probably see, the 2 posts below are stories from the farm. I'd like to have Ezekiel write a loosely regular post on the blog describing his experiences on the farm. That way, us city folk can learn to appreciate the natural beauty and order that surrounds and permeates our physical world. And maybe learn how to make moonshine too...

The Blackhead Pig

2009-11-02T14:11:00.001-05:00

There is no kindness in nature. Those effete, modish inheritants of an overly technological world who hold, usually at no fault of their own, the sadly mistaken assumption, handed to them by whimsical progressives—self-styled as such largely because they have progressed beyond reality-- and fostered by a few decades of nineteen-eighties-and-nineties public schooling and the television specials they watched after that schooling from three-thirty until their parents got home, that at least some animals are ‘nice’, had better avoid taking any vacations near the ‘natural world’ or their mistakenness will soon be sorely so. Animals are not intrinsic victims, but very often, if not normally are wicked, stupid, loathsome things intent upon the destruction of others and usually themselves. Anyone who thinks animals have rights has never discussed it with any animals, for if they did, the animal would bite their mouth off and end the conversation. ‘Animal Rights’ fideists have never met this blackhead pig that lives on my farm.

I went to buy feeder pigs with my friend Will. I forgot to tell him that the best way to carry a pig is by the back leg, and when he grabbed the blackhead pig around her middle, she began her shrieking, suicide inspiring scream that is still continuing as I write this two months later. The other pigs make somewhat pleasant grunts, and when worked up at my proximity, and the anticipation of food, they might emit as much as a grunting-snort sound. The blackhead pig condemns everything about me with her squinty, contemptuous eyes, and her pointed ears that curl back and around her head much like Satan’s horns must do. While I try to pass by, feeding the chickens, she screams commandingly at my cardiovascular system, frantically demanding it jack up my blood pressure until my brain explodes out of my eyeballs. If this fails, she increases the decibels of her deflating-balloon-combined-with-a-falling-bomb-and-locomotive-brakes cursing screech, mockingly daring me to shoot either her or myself in the face.

I tried to tell myself, in my better moments, that it was not her fault that this was her only means of communication. Perhaps she was the victim of her own limited, wretched vocabulary. I tried scratching her back, patting her while I fed her apples. My hours of kicking back the mud pushed over the electric fence in the pigs’ clever attempts to escape-- doubtless conjured by the blackhead pig in order to seize my farmhouse, kill me in my sleep, and begin running the farm—and my back-breaking labor repairing their warm straw hut that they insisted on destroying so they could spite me by freezing to death, were rewarded by the blackhead pig’s increasingly clever attempts to eat me.

For example, one sunny afternoon, as the birds cheerfully chirped death threats to other birds near their territory, I strolled over to the pigs’ pasture to give them a bucket of corn. They love corn more than I love Krispy Kreme donuts, but not, apparently, as much as they love human flesh hot off the femur. The pigs were nowhere to be seen, which is unusual because they are normally frolicking about the pasture pretending they are chasing down little kids, or ruling the world. Thank God I am just enough smarter than the pigs that I suspected that something was up. I closed the gate behind me, and still they lay hidden. I poured out their corn, and they remained silent. It was only when I walked out into the pasture, seemingly cut off from ready escape that they poured forth from their den, the blackhead pig emitting her gleeful ring-wraith siren, and surrounded me. They had not accounted for my easy ability to step over the electric fence, and they gnashed their teeth and kicked each other for overlooking this obvious flaw in their perfect crime.

Every increase in my attempts to coddle and care for the pigs has been matched and raised by the pigs’ efforts to eat me. Since the overt attempt upon my life, they have chosen to keep their cards close to the chest, only casually opening their jaws and nonchalantly putting my leg between them. Never do they act violently enough that it will demand conclusive reciprocity on my part: after all they know that they only grow more valuable as they put on meat, and it would take a clear and present danger from them to make me butcher them before they weigh enough.

Animals are not kind, and they have no ‘rights’. Without the human person to care for them, to domesticate them, to drag them into the fire-light as White Fang was, animals trample each other, lay down in puddles to drown themselves, poop everywhere, seek out heavy objects to crush them, and eat their young. The ‘natural world’ is a free-for-all in which everything competes in exhibiting a newer and more absurd form of dying. The human person struggles to eke out a tiny corner of kindness, sense, and creation, before the ragweeds and multiflora roses of dying drag it down. Animals do not deserve our care, they have no ‘rights’ before which the human will must pay respect. However, our dignity demands that we care. Human rights and dignity are only kept alive by responsibility, and in caring for things, in tending our gardens, we safeguard our own human rights, and pay respect to the grave duty of being a human being. Failing to care for those things that are our responsibility does violence to our rights, to our dignity and freedom. Without this being truly human, the chickens would all be torn limb from limb by possums. Imagine a world where possums roam at will.

Disgusting. I have to go now; I hear the blackhead pig screaming for her dinner. If I fail to return to provide this essay with an adequate conclusion, it is because the blackhead pig has eaten my fingers.

John 3:19

2009-11-02T13:54:00.004-05:00

I arose long before dawn, in the fog enshrouded dark, from my warm air mattress alongside the radiator. Consoling my groggy innards with coffee as hot as the morn was not, and as dark as the window through which, with sleep begrimed eyes I watched, I balanced my shotgun, breeched, upon my knee. For some time I sat upon a stool, watching nearsightedly for some stirring near a white fence that loomed monolithically in the mist.

The hillcrest became a black line contrast. A buck placidly eased along it. Another followed. Then suddenly my eyes were snatched by the trap at the periphery of my vision. In it wiggled a white- faced vermin. I had the satisfaction of having stopped this threat to my chickens, but was nevertheless burdened by the duty that I now had to execute.

I donned my marine-corps sweatshirt and stocking hat, belted on my jeans, and shut the breech of my shotgun with a determined click that announced its latent power. Too powerful: at the gun-case I traded it for a restrained but equally reliable .22. In my rubber boots I rounded the house. The possum faced me from its cage, a white circle of fur with malevolent black angled slits of eyes that held hatred and sure knowledge of what was to come. Not afraid, not sad, the possum awaited me head-on, angry that it had been suckered by this inferior creature, but resolute in the knowledge of its fate.

"Im sorry possum," I said, looking it in the face, and took direct aim at its forehead. Josie the cat appeared, rubbing around my boots and looking at the possum. "Go on Josie," I said, not wanting her to see what I had to do, nor to be startled by the gunshot. She did not listen, so I walked a distance to get her to follow. I left her sitting near the porch. I had to act now before she returned to be an outward judge of my inward compunction.

I clicked back the safety, took four quick strides towards the possum, formed an E upon its face with the sights of the rifle, and shot it. The possum whipped around, dying. I had hit it straight through the head, but I wanted no risk of it suffering, and fired twice more. The second shot blew its jaw half way off, and it bled heavily. One sure look confirmed the deed, and I lingered not one second more. I safed the rifle while turning immediately around, and as I stepped grimly, one step after another, I could not keep my head from hanging.

It is not possums' fault that they are evil, but nevertheless they are evil. they would gut 50 of my chickens in a few minutes, just for the fun of it, and eat only a mouthful. It had to be done.

I'm starting to get the feeling...

2009-10-29T15:52:00.002-04:00

That this 'Higgins' character is a figment of my imagination. He's the 'Tyler Durden' of ACNS. I've got some 'homework assignments' to take care of...

Exciting Business Opportunity!

2009-10-29T11:04:00.003-04:00

As any mildly internet-saavy person understands, unsolicited emails from people who are waaaay to excited about what they have to offer are usually some sort of ploy to steal your money or identity. Ususally.

About once in a person's lifetime, there arrives an opportunity. I'm not talking about your usual daily opportunities to drink an exceptionally delicious cup of coffee or put on your favorite pair of pants. No, this is much bigger - this is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME opportunity. The proof is in the description - these things only happen about once in a lifetime or so - Redundant, I know, but I want to make sure you understand.

Since I work in the pre-owned medical equipment industry, these unsolicited emails show up in my inbox on a regular basis - usually, they end up right in the digital trash can for virtual incineration. Most of these emails are foriegners looking to steal equipment from my company by "purchasing" it with no intention of paying for it. But I just recieved one that was different. This email is from a supplier here in the US that's going to make me a rich man. I'll let you have a look, just promise me you won't tell anyone about it. I'm going to suprise my parents with a new house with all the sweet cash money I'll be rollin' in. Check it:

Mr. Hanessey,
Rocket Sprockets, Inc. is an international supplier of partially used medical equipment. We supply over one billion hospitals, clinics, prisons, and resorts with middle-of-the-line syringes, plastic tubing, spoons, bunson burners, and douches. I am also proud to say that we have practically cornered the market on prior-owned proctological equipment!
We are interested in using you as our regional consultant for acquisitions for this region. You would receive commisions for all acquisitions made within this solar system (excluding Uranus, and Pluto which scientists have conclusively proven to not exist).
If you are interested in starting a new and exciting relationship with Rocket Sprockets, Inc., call me any time, night or day and we can 'grease the wheels' for the most lubritive business adventure of your life!

Sincerely,

Roger D. Riordan
Staff Manager
1-800-666-1234

It's time to start anew. I know that THIS is what I was made to do - my destiny, if you will. That, and I've always wanted to work for a company with a catchy name like "Rocket Sprockets". True happiness is right around the corner with this promise of a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity & I'm not going to let this pass me by...

Foods I love, part I

2009-10-27T16:49:00.001-04:00

As an addition to my running posts regarding "Foods I hate" (part 2 here), I have decided to escape the often-negative voice that many of my posts embody and show my positive side. Therefore, logic would dictate a post about foods that I love. These are foods that I am always willing to hastily absorb into the bottomless pit of my beautifully man-figured body at any moment of any day. I will share with you the foods that make my world go 'round, and since I am quite eligible at the moment, a sneak-peek at the quickest way to my heart.

Skyline Chili
Yeah, I know there's 850 calories in just one of these bad boys (not to mention the 320 that go with the obligatory cheese coney appetizer), but I just can't get enough Skyline chili. Who would have thought that a soupy meat sauce flavored with cinnamon and chocolate laid to rest on a thick bed of spaghetti noodles and topped with copious amounts of shredded cheese could be so addicting? If you don't like Skyline Chili, we're no longer friends. If you dare suggest Gold Star Chili as an acceptable substitute for Skyline, I will punch you in the kidneys. Skyline or Bust.

Chipotle Burritos
You think Skyline is bad for calories? Try one of these giants on for size. According to the "Chipotle Nutrition Calculator 2.0", my weapon of choice boasts 1015 calories in a single burrito. On certain occasions, I have been known to toss down 2 in one sitting, but since that borders on gluttonous behavior, I have decided to henceforth refrain from such activities. Throw in some of the Chipotle Tabasco sauce and I'm in heaven.

Goetta
What do you get when you take a bunch of leftover scrap pork, mix it with steel-cut oats & shape it into a fryable loaf? That's right - God's gift to Cincinnati. At first glance, Goetta seems like a way for peasant-like people to get the most out of all of their butchering scraps by seasoning them and adding oats as a filler, but this is far from accurate. No - Goetta is for the highest of classes. Originally labelled as a breakfast food as a substitute for sausage or bacon, goetta has broken from the stereotypes and forced it's way into the lunch/dinner/midnight snack discussion. It's gotta be Glier's Goetta though...anything else pretty much tastes like crap.

Cereal
Here's another example of a food item that has broken from the breakfast-only realm of sustenance to an all-day-any-day type of nourishment. So many people will agree with this one that I will just let it ride...

Broccoli
Wanna see a food that has a bad reputation for no reason? Broccoli's your man. However, I've stuck with it through thick and thin, and we've become best buds. No matter which way it's prepared, I'm always up for a little broccoli action; raw, steamed, casserol'd, baked, fried, boiled - all are delicious. The only exception to this is the occasional large stem with which some heads are endowed. The simple remedy for this is to cut them in cross-sections and pretend they're little edible turtles. That always makes my day just a little brighter.

I could go on and on for days about foods I love, but I will end my list here because I'm salivating too heavily to continue. Stay tuned for another installment of "Foods I love"!

Domo Arigato

2009-10-27T16:38:00.002-04:00

You know what makes me sick?

You know what makes me so angry, I just want to go out and buy one of those large flying saucer looking vacuum cleaners that finds its own way to all the dust in my house while I sit around fattening myself up on Tabasco Slim Jims and Mountain Dew?

This robot.

Really, what's the deal here? What? Are humans not good enough to dance goofy around a spinning football? Does the robot really do a better "The Fish" than a real human being?

I see what's really going on here. The evil modern media has long been trying to anthropomorphize animals. Now NFL on Fox has taken it a step further by trying to convince us that this dancing image of a robot is basically a person too. 'A little harsh,' you say, because a lot of people have said that to me lately? 'No!' I say, because I've seen the evolution of this accursed robot. First NFLOF had this stupid robot mimic a football player warming up. Then it moved on to more human activities like writing poetry and finding true love. Now it's dancing. What's the end game here? Is every object going to be said to possess humanity except humans?

Wake up, America!!

I got so mad watching this robot dance during the Bengals butt-whipping of the Bears, that, feeling like DDR's version of John Connor, I grabbed a football to prove that at least one human had moves more smoove than a robot. Lucas jumped up to join the resistance, and Steve got so hyped up by our action he flew across the basement to see what was happening. Lucas sprained an ankle, I lost all sense of direction, hit a wall and knocked myself unconscious, and Steve got so covinced the football was actually a dustbunny that he ended up popping it with his fangs. Scared him so bad he shot off quicker than Astro Boy. We haven't seen him since. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, for taking away our cat. I tell you NFL on Fox is just wrong.

This is Bill E, native human, E off.

Many apologies...

2009-10-26T20:12:00.000-04:00

Apparently I don't have a clue what's going on with my own blog. Our new author's name is Higgins, not John Mikel or whatever I said before...That's right - Higgins.

I don't think he has a last name, but it definitely isn't Mikel. Although "Higgins Mikel" would sound pretty cool and probably pick up ladies with ease.

The Challenge

2009-10-26T13:41:00.004-04:00

I made a bet this weekend, and probably one that I will lose. This weekend, I spent some time with a man highly regarded by those of us here at ACNS Enterprises, LTD, and slightly less importantly, the entire world. I'm always searching for ways to improve the "ACNS Experience" (as I like to call it), as well as increase the amount of readers who want to hear what all of our authors have to say.

The aforementioned bet is less of a bet and more of a challenge, in which my personal part is minimal, since I was the "challenger" instead of the "challengee". The aforementioned man is none other than Mr. John Mikel, who happens to be none other than "Buck's Coolest Person of October". The challenge is that if John were to start writing for the blog, his primary job would be to double our readership in a month.

Now since we don't have ads on the blog, the overall traffic numbers don't really matter to us/me at all. It's really an excuse to add another writer to the blog. I expect to read pee-your-pants-at-work quality copy from a distinguished and well-educated man. The snot-bubbles-blowing-out-your-nose-because-you're-laughing-extremely hard-while-you-have-a-cold posts are coming. Prepare yourself for something slightly less than what you expect from me on a daily basis and let's welcome this handsome sonufagun to the blog. We'll see what sort of traffic-attracting powers he can bring to the table...

DISCLAIMER

2009-10-21T15:55:00.004-04:00

I would just like to thank those of you (and yes, there were a couple) who expressed real concern for Bill's & my relationship. We're doing just fine now, and no, I don't need a place to stay for a few days while we both "think things over" or "let the situation cool down a bit"...

For those of you that actually did think that Bill & I were fighting, The joke is on you. It just seems eerily silent around here, save for Brian's post breaking the awkward exchange of faux venom.

On another note, as Brian mentioned, it is in fact my birthday today. I have turned the ripe old age of 26. I want to give a shout out to Teddy who bought me Chipotle for lunch today. I would also like to give a shout out to my coworkers for buying me this wonderfully delicious cake decorated like a hamburger...complete with real sesame seeds on the bun...

All's Well That Ends Well

2009-10-21T15:35:00.002-04:00

I think an apology of my own is in order.

Growing up, I was always taught to be the bigger man, and in this case, I have failed miserably. I now realize that my ad hominem attacks on Bill regarding him stealing my hat were unfounded and untrue. I love that hat so much, and it really hurts me to not be able to wear it anymore.

Bill, I'm sorry. I've been very short with you as of late, and I've failed to respect you despite our disagreements over the past few weeks. I don't know how we got here - It's obvious that our personal feelings of lonliness have pulled us apart, and I hate it. Love is about giving, and all I've been doing is taking from you and everyone else. I've been dragging you down with negativity and spiteful actions, which are no good for either of us, much less Steve. you can tell that he just can't stand being around us by the way he yearns to leave the house anytime either of us walk by a door.

I need my friend back too. Please forgive me and my shortcomings, Bill. I know it won't be easy to heal these wounds, but I'm willing to give it 110% to make things right with you again. I bought Braveheart on VHS today. Can you say roommate movie night with a couple beers? Let's make this work.

Yeah, You're Probably Right

2009-10-21T13:06:00.006-04:00

Ok, I got a good night sleep and did some thinking. I'll admit I've been a little harsh lately. Friends have even told me so.

I think you're right: the problem is that we haven't been talking. Remember all those long discussions we used to have over cocoa on those cold winter nights? Steve purring at your feet and Lifetime on in the background? I miss those days. Maybe they'll come back now that winter is on it's way.

It's been so frigid in the house lately. We walk past each other like the other isn't even there. When we do talk it's only to scream accusations. We've become overly dependant on our other friends and Mincher's getting annoyed. I try to be insensitive just to take the edge off the loneliness. I put on the de-caf coffee just so you'd notice me again. I admit it was a cry for attention. I need my friend back.

*************************************************************
On a side note, if anyone, ANYONE, out there has Lucas' Nebraska hat, please give it back to him! I'm beginning to fear for my life! I slept with the light on last night just so he wouldn't come in with a knife!

To Bill:

2009-10-21T11:16:00.004-04:00

Dear Ungrateful Jerk,

You think this is a little game? You think I'm just playing around? Well, I'm not.

I don't know why you insist on making this a public issue. This would have all blown away like a fart in the wind if you had just posted a real apology instead of some half-hearted sarcastic on your opinion of me, which I wish I would have known about earlier. Your passive-agressiveness is very becoming of you. I bet keeping all those feelings bottled up inside is pretty satisfying - especially when you can take somebody down with you when you finally explode.

To re-iterate my point in my previous post - I've been nothing but good to you, and all I get is stabbed in the back in return. Go ahead, give that knife another twist. I'm a glutton for punishment.

If you had only told me of these "issues" of yours before they became issues, things could probably have gone a lot smoother - I'm completely willing to change & improve myself - unlike SOME people. In the year-plus that we've been roommates, I've been nothing but upfront with you. I hope you realize and appreciate that. Not likely.

And yes, this DID start with me losing my Nebraska hat - or rather YOU stealing it. I know you're jealous of how cool it is, and how good I look with it on. Don't blame me for my style. Maybe show some originality and get your own style instead of physically stealing other people's.

Sorry if it seems like I'm over reacting, but I wish you would just understand my frustrations...talk to me!

An “Open Letter” to Lucas

2009-10-20T22:35:00.006-04:00

Dear Blog Czar,

I quickly recognized alright. Quickly recognized “Senor Thin-Skin” is too angry about his Nebraska hat to see straight.

I see what this really about: you’re angry about the coffee, is that it? Well maybe if you were a little nicer to me in the morning things like that wouldn't happen. Yeah, it's time to grow up, Dude. People make mistakes, alright? If I’m a little too irked by the way you constantly conform yourself to web norms by doing things like writing open letters, and I take it out on-line, is that really your business? Who cares if it’s “your” website? It's not all about you, ok? That's the "real" story. Chill, man, seriously. Pull out your hair (good luck with that, btw. Got some tweezers, Cue-ball?) about people misusing Steve's name instead.

And I am NOT insensitive.

MY side of the story

2009-10-20T21:56:00.005-04:00

Some people are so damn insensitive. You know what? I didn't even ask Bill if he wanted to write in the blog. He asked ME to write on MY blog. Of course, in order to avoid a potentially awkward situation by saying no, I had to agree. I have known Bill for nearly 14 years, and I knew, I just knew that it would turn out this way if he ever started writing on ACNS. He undermined my authority, and acted like it was some sort of joke. He's always acting like it's some sort of freaking joke. I'm about to pull out my hair I'm so frustrated.

You really think that apology was sincere? I have a hard time believing anything that comes out of his mouth lately. He's been intentionally screwing with me for the past week, and I've had enough.

Bill, I have HAD IT! I'm tired of waking up to you making decaf coffee in the mornings, not pulling your weight around the house, and especially for hiding my Nebraska hat - that's just plain mean dude...I expect a real apology this time. And this time, lets hear the real story about what's been going on, instead of some concocted, convoluted story portraying me as a "Blog Czar" or some sort of crazy tyrant. I've been nothing but generous to your sorry little @$$.

You better recognize quick.

From the Bottom of My Heart

2009-10-20T20:07:00.010-04:00

Ok, so APPARENTLY an apology is in order. It appears that a guy can't really write what he feels on a blog about how some guys feel. Or maybe it's just that my feelings don't matter and Lucas' feelings do.

ANYWAY, Mr. Blogczar McSensitivepants seems to think I somehow outright attacked him on ACNS today writing about open letters and he had just wrote an open letter and he's all like "boo-hoo" and "people won't understand because you're cool and I'm not". (Verbatim. Cross my heart.) I don't know at all what gave him the idea that I was going after him. As I CLEARLY said here, I respect people who do what he did.

But what I hear is that ACNS is supposed to present a "United Front" because "Unity Means Productivity" and "We're All In This Thing Together" so therefore "We Can't Have Any Backstabbing From Disgruntled Minions Because The Readers Will Think We're Too Morally Bankrupt To Read" and "I Can't Find My Nebraska Hat, Thief".

Is this all true? Debatable, but perhaps my digression is in order at this time, since I don't own this blog. I have to admit that Lucas did win it in a poker game with a Columbian Special Forces Op. who had a cat named Steve, so maybe I should give him an apology.

Harrumph.

I should be clear to all ACNS readers. Lucas' and my relationship is actually GREAT at this time. Never better. I'm going clean every inch of this frickin' house right now.

An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters

2009-10-20T15:50:00.005-04:00

Dear People Who Write Open Letters,

I want you to know that I dearly respect what you do. Please know that I am all about grassroots social change. Letters have always been a part of grassroots social change, and now there is the "Open Letter", which allows not only the recipent to know the writer's views, but many others as well.

But, dear People Who Write Open Letters, the people to whom you address your open letters never read them. Now I may just be cynical and pessimistic, but I think that you know this and write the Open Letter anyway. If the person you're claiming you're writing to would actually read the letter, you wouldn't have to make it open in the first place. That's a little underhanded of you. Why not take the completely honest path and just tell the people who are actually going to read it what you think?

I suppose there's the million to one odds that the person your Open Letter is for will somehow, someway, stumble across your letter and take the 10 or so minutes out of their busy schedule to go through it. I don't think it's likely, though. I think it's even less likely they would change their minds on whatever matter you wrote them about, knowing that you just criticized them in front of the whole world (theoretically), so let's just say it's probably a 10 million to one odds.

People Who Write Open Letters, please know I'm not making a judgment on your person or your views. I just think that your medium for sharing information is pretty deceptive: your intended audience is not who you say it is, at least in my view of it. If you disagree with me, please let me know: I am willing to dialogue with you and I KNOW you're reading this.

Sincerely,

Bill E.

An open letter to our readers

2009-10-20T15:49:00.001-04:00

Hello dear ACNS readers!

First off, I would just like to thank you for your support of ACNS!! What started as a little blog about my cat has become something much more - an online community of sorts where some of my closest friends and I can share our thoughts and dreams with you all. It's been a wild ride so far, and I can only hope for an even better future!

The reason for this letter to you, dear readers, is to figure out how to best commemorate the 6 month anniversary of the opening of our proverbial doors. Next Wednesday, October 28th is the big day for all of us to reminisce about all the memories we've shared together, as well as the growth that we've experienced. To date, our biggest day came on September 16th, when we had 225 page loads from 89 unique visitors! I don't know about you, but I'm impressed that something I started from the comfort of my bedroom in a dingy 2nd floor apartment has grown into something larger than even I could imagine, in all my ambitious glory.

In these 6 months, with the help of our ever-increasing ad revenues, I have been able to hire 5 other writers to the blog to increase both the quality and frequency of our content. While I can't pay them enough to entice them to write full time, the extra cash keeps them coming back - In this economy, every little bit helps, and I'm glad to be the guy able to help them solve their problems. This is a stepping stone in my goal to become a full-fledged blogger, with a team of minions to help line my pockets.

What I ask from you, valued customers (because that's how we view each of you here - as customers...), is to please leave a comment letting us know how you think we can improve this endeavor and leave this space even better than we found it. When I stumbled upon this domain name, it was a wasteland, and we've turned it into an oasis of ridiculousness and enlightenment. With your help, we can make this the online version of the pre-recession Dubai. Tell us what you want - After all, if you don't come here, we won't make any money!

Dubai

Again, thanks for your readership, and here's to the next 6 months!

~Lucas

The real truth about Marriage

2009-10-20T11:00:00.003-04:00

Goodbye single people! As I am about to journey off into the world of marriage I am encountering some stiff verbal opposition to my vocation, especially from co-workers. In order to properly grasp their perspective I am going to take a step back from my own motivations to get married, and instead see the world through their eyes to better understand the impact of spending the rest of my life with the soon-to-be Mrs. Buck. Based on all of their comments I have been able to draw the following conclusions that may be beneficial for you to understand as well. I found all of these things rather eye opening, and they almost made me take a split second to reconsider my vocational decision. Almost. The list of married truths goes something like this:

1. Over a long enough period of time a woman will suck every ounce of independence out of a man and destroy his individual identity.
2. Television, videogames, and excessive drinking will be pushed to a low priority
3. Sex becomes limited to one person forever, and it will become less frequent and more boring with each passing day.
4. A shared bank account is equivalent to digging a bottomless pit and throwing all of your hard earned money over the edge.
5. The new unbreakable rule with the rest of the female population is Don't Touch. Just Look.
6. Financial priorities will be geared towards the future rather than the present.
7. The proper age to discern marriage is no sooner than 35, and should be closer to 40 if possible.

I hope this was as helpful to you as it has been for me. Despite all of these warnings I am strongly considering going forward with the wedding this Saturday, and taking a risk at the expense of all 7 items above for the possibility that something greater could occur. You can call me rebellious or stupid for giving up such personal freedom, but I feel pretty good about this whole married thing at the young age of 26, and I think Mrs. Buck is going to be the sweetest addition to my life since the Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon back in 1988.

1st & 10

2009-10-19T08:24:00.004-04:00

This is not a news flash by any means, but I wanted to get this out there so that any Defensive Coordinator left unawares can know the truth. Granted, said Defensive Coordinator must not watch a single second of game film not to know this simple fact.

If the Cincinnati Bengals have the ball ...

and its 1st & 10 ...

no matter what quarter or how much time is on the clock ...

they will run the ball ...

without fail ...

straight up the middle.

Don't let the Bengals fool you with their stellar stable of stupendous receivers. If it is 1st & 10, they won't use them. Who needs a 50 yard pass down the sidelines when you can average .05 yards per carry on 1st & 10? Who cares if you put 18 guys in the box, the Bengals will still hand it off straight up the middle.

Just wanted to clear that up, should anyone who doesn't live in Timbuktoo not see that simple fact.

It's about time

2009-10-17T10:50:00.007-04:00

It's been said that 'Time waits for no man'. Yet man usually has to wait for a long TIME. I think that Time has been shoving us around for too long. With that said, here is my triumphant inaugural post for ACNS:

Several years back, every once in a while someone at whatever workplace I was at would say to me 'I think I've seen you some place before'.. And this happened enough times to make me give all of this some idle thought. And I came to this conclusion: In the not-too-distant future, time travel will become possible and I will travel back to this decade (the 2000s--what else can this stupid decade be called?) for God knows what purpose, if any.

How ELSE would explain why these people claimed to have seen me before? Maybe they HAD! Here's my line of thinking back in 2003/2004 (when I seriously considered this nonsense):

-None of these people who told me this had met one another.
-The reason why I myself had not seen any of my 'doppelgangers' is I (my future self) took great pains to not be seen by me (my past, er then-present self). Think of Back to the Future Part II when Marty McFly goes back to 1955 and sees himself during his first 'trip' to 1955, playing 'Johnny B. Goode'. He made it clear that he didn't want his guitar playing self to see his 'present' self. If I traveled back in time to within my lifetime, I too would take pains to not run into me.
-I'm usually not a good conversationalist. And 'Present me' talking with 'Future me' would go something like this:

"So what's it like in 2025?"
"Don't bet on the Sox in the 2023 World Series."
"You didn't answer my question."
"I don't have time for this, kid." (Walks off mumbling darkly to himself, probably bitter about the BosSox losing in the 7th game.)

Then 'Present me' would want to get even with 'Future me' by making a lot of stupid decisions just to cause a lot of potential headaches for 'Future me' down the road. Because nobody messes with me, see? Not even me. (Hm...wait a minute...)

So fast forward to late 2009. No more 'sightings' of me's have surfaced. And if people mistook me for someone else when I was 20, I don't think my future time-traveling self would resemble me enough--I'm rather more portly now. That and I don't think tampering with God's domain in the space-time continuum could ever become reality in the future, no matter how far technology has progressed. There are limits to humanity's capabilities, after all. (Just look to our spiritual and moral compass, Barack Obama. He couldn't even bring the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. With friggin' Oprah's help, no less!)

Buck's Coolest Person of October Award

2009-10-16T16:18:00.002-04:00

Quiet. Collected. Cool. At first glance he might appear to be just another average guy, or even just another average seemingly old man. However, diving deeper into the mystery, there is more than meets the eye with this run of the mill, twenty seven year old, high school IT director. What happens when you find someone who has a knowledge base that rivals Wikipedia, a music gear collection that rivals your local Guitar Center, a sense of humor that is dryer than the Sahara Desert and more shocking than a midget on a segway, a style that should be sponsored by H&M and Brooks Brothers, a taste for liquor that rivals a room full of seasoned politicians and CEO's, and a sweet beard that makes you want to give up on all of your futile efforts to ever be awesome? The answer is simple. You raise your glass and offer a toast to Buck's Coolest Person of October. He's a man for all seasons. He's a man for all Mikel's. He's John Mikel, and we here at ACNS are proud to know a guy who can rock a harry back like a pimp'n fur coat on a hot summer's day. John Mikel, you are cooler than a 64 ounce 7-11 cherry coke slurpee, and we freakn' salute you.

Give a round of applause for...

2009-10-16T12:15:00.003-04:00

Our new author Chris!

You might know something about Chris, since I have his blog Willkommen zu Vergessenheit linked over in the side-bar. Chris likes all things German, so he brings a little more culture to the blog than I could ever hope to.

Anyway, I heard he really likes comic books and knows everything about all of them. Go ahead, try him. He'll kick your ass with his brain.

A little song just for you

2009-10-16T08:24:00.007-04:00

So I hop of the bus yesterday as I usually do, preparing myself to cross a few lanes of traffic in order to safely get back to my house. I usually take this time to check out the cars, see if there are any really cool ones, as well as to see a small glimpse of others driving habits.

Well yesterday I saw in all of its glory what can be so eloquently termed, "The Distracted Driver". Being in good mood, as I generally am, it came upon me to sing a song about this particular situation. Normally only my wife gets to hear my beautiful voice sing out songs of joy that I have made up on the spot, but today dear folks you get to share in this fun.

The title of the song will be "Pedestrian Rage". I think the tune should be a country tune, just because that happens to be my genre of choice. If you want to adapt it to rap, emo-punk, or classical ... be my guest.

It goes like this here:

There you are, cell phone in your right hand
Don't know how you do it but I'm sure you have a plan
Just popped a cigarette right in your mouth
You have to light it up, but I don't know how
Oh I see your in your left hand there's a BIC
And as always I'm amazed by that trick
You wanna turn left, it could help with a signal
But you are too busy to deal with that
Now you're reaching for something else in your car
And you're slowly rolling into the middle of the road

(banjoes take off) Beom bom bom bom bom bom booom booomm booom beeeem beem beem

Who needs two hands on the wheel?
We drive to be free and that's how you feel
Who cares if you tick everyone off?
Drive where you want because you think you're the boss

(hold the words out long and slow)
And now I'm driving and smoking
and talking and dialing
and swerving and flipping (the bird)
because I do what I want when I'm out in my car!!!!

Okay so I don't think it will ever go platinum. But I think it sounds pretty nice. Meanwhile, I'll just stand here and wait for the sign to tell me when its safe to walk.

Sweet new idea: "Social Networking"

2009-10-14T11:31:00.007-04:00

I consider myself an entreprenuer-in-waiting, a caterpillar developing in my cubicle-cocoon to one day be able to spread my beautiful wings and fly solo. To drink the nectar of the fruits of my own labor & to laugh in the face of failure while making my own way are some of my heart's deepest desires. In other words, I don't want to be held down by "The Man". I want to be "The Man" - a benevolent dictator, if you will.

There are some obstacles to this lifelong dream of mine, specifically in the way of ideas. In this fast-paced, technology-driven culture, new and unique ideas can be few and far-between when the profit potential of any given idea is taken into consideration. In this dog-eat-dog world, any risks taken must be carefully calculated and weighed against a benchmark of success, with the possibility of failure as a real, tangible option. In short, finding an idea that has a chance of working is HARD!

Difficulty is merely an obstacle on the road to success - it's not a show-stopper, it's not a deal-breaker, and it's definitely not a reason to curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb while wishing you were a child again in the fort you built in your room where all was right with the world and the only concern consisted on whether or not you could keep the sheets dry that night because mom & dad were getting annoyed with your bed-wetting habits. Rather, difficulty is what makes each one of us stronger and more aptly prepared to achieve the levels of success we desire. It builds character and feeds the soul.

In my lifetime of searching for the one idea to put me over the top, I have suffered periods of extreme frustration, humiliation, and countless freak-out sessions. Those days, my friends, are over. I have a wonderful new idea for a website, and this one should put me over the top and propel me to the top of the business world. Here goes:

It would be an online "community" of sorts, where people can "friend" other people and see what they're doing at any given time. Members would have their own unique "profile" in which they interact with other people & their respective profiles. They would have the ability to post little messages on each others' profiles & even upload pictures and videos where they can "tag" their friends. In essence, it's a site where people can network in an online social setting. I think this "social networking" thing could possibly take off to heights that nobody could ever imagine. I'm not sure what I'll call it yet, but I keep coming back to "MySpot" and "Facepage" as the two that hit home for me. Maybe I'll enlist the help of a few focus groups to help me name my new company - We all know that focus groups are the core of the business world today. Like little lab rats for companies, except I wouldn't inject them with cancer like some companies do to actual rats...

I fully expect this endeavor to take me to the pinnacle of the tech business world. I haven't recieved any interview requests from Fast Company or Inc. Magazine just yet, but I expect both to come knocking at my door any minute. With an idea this original, they better jump on the ball. I'm a rising star and I won't stop for just little ol' anybody...Hop on my bandwagon people!

What Do You Use That For???

2009-10-14T10:18:00.002-04:00

Do you ever do something simple and mundane, such as going to the grocery store, and have it turn into some sort of mind blowing, life altering, monumental experience? This past Sunday I went to the grocery store across the street from my apartment and had just such an experience. It started off rather pleasantly as I loaded up the cart to fill my fridge for the next two weeks, and everything was shaping up for a normal shopping experience as I approached the cashier. This is when things began to go slightly awry, and it took several hours of reflection to take in everything that happened.

I put all of my groceries on the conveyor belt, and the young cashier lady began to scan and bag the items for me. The girl eventually got to my carton of Half & Half and stopped to give me a puzzled look. In a rather negative tone, she looked and me and asked, "what's this for?" as if to really be saying, "why in the world would you ever use Half & Half." I was a little taken back as I thought to myself that maybe she only drinks her coffee black and looks down on those of us who use creamer. Before I could dwell on it further, I answered with some timid hesitation, "It's for my coffee...?" I was expecting a clever reply to antagonize my Half & Half consumption, but instead I was encountered with something far more shocking as I stood in line that Sunday night at the grocery store. It was as if I had given this girl some valuable information, or answered the question of all questions as she responded, "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! So that's what that is for! I always wondered." Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I would consider Half & Half to be a commonly known consumable item to coffee drinkers and non-coffee drinkers throughout the world. There are pretty good odds that if you have ever gone out to eat in your life there has been a little bowl with Half & Half creamers at your table. Regardless of this reality, I find it absolutely shocking that you would ask a customer at a grocery store what something is they are buying because there are not too many scenarios where you could ask such a question and not look like an idiot.

As I recovered from this moment, my story only continued to progress, and I was not out of there yet. She cashier girl had finished scanning all of my food so I handed her my savings card to scan. She took the card, but it didn't look like she scanned it, and then she handed back to me. I noticed the total price didn't go down at all, so to be polite I asked her if I had any savings. Her response only scared me further as she said, "Oh, do you have a savings card?" I handed it back to her and she went ahead and scanned it. To be fair, I'm convinced she did not have any type of disability, and if she did I recognize this post would come across as harsh. The fact of the matter is that this girl was THAT dumb.

At this point it was time to pay so I swiped my debit card, entered the pin #, and hit OK for the total amount. The girl asked me if I wanted debit or credit and I said debit, even though I had already selected it and entered in my pin. There was a pause and she asked me yet again if I wanted debit or credit. On the THIRD TIME she asked me, I finally let her know that I had already chosen debit and paid.

I left to drive home a little flustered, but at the same time very amused at the whole experience. When I got home and unpacked I realized that she did not bag any of my chicken or ground beef, and I had paid for food I didn't even get! Maybe she was having a bad day and just hit one of those points where everything she said or did was completely stupid. Maybe she really was just that stupid. I don't know the answer, but I do know I am going to spread the word to people like the cashier girl and anyone else who needs to know... Half & Half is 50% milk and 50% cream that is commonly used in coffee around the world.

Iron & Whine

2009-10-13T18:05:00.001-04:00

I've spent a lot of time with Lucas in the past year, seeing as how we've lived under the same roof for that year. While Lucas is a model citizen in most respects (actually, his taste in food might as well have landed him on America's Most Wanted), one area in which he is sorely deficient is that he does not care to own a good iron. Not only does this make him a bad person and unmanly, it has really caused me grief over the last 12 or 13 months.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a man of impeccable fashion sense. I was born with an innate knowledge that brown shoes don't go with grey slacks or black belts. I never wear white after Labor Day. Basic rules of fashion are 2nd nature to me. I fact, I've given Lucas so many fashion tips that he's lately taken to calling me "Mr. Advice". This being the case, I can never wear anything wrinkled.

In a fit of rage this past Sunday, fueled by Lucas' iron leaking all over my clothes while failing to vanquish a single wrinkle, I hurled it at the wall and (using very mild expletives) vowed to go spend serious money on the best iron I could find. One that would get the job done. This led to hours of Internet research to see what amazing gadgets the ironing world could offer me.

*A word to the wise here: simply typing in "iron" into google brings up things like the table of elements and golf clubs. You must specify with "clothing iron" or "clothes iron" or something. I could have saved myself about 25 minutes if I'd have just thought ahead.

**Actually, the wise may already have figured that out. Just call it a word to the not-so-bright.

- Sears offers the Rowenta Advancer Iron, which looks spiffy, but in my book is all bark and no bite. Plus you're paying through the nose ($120-$150) for a product its users have only given 2 out of 5 stars. AVOID THIS ONE! The three week trial I gave it only affirmed my belief that's it's full of crap.

- Craigslist was A JOKE. It's really hard to track down a decent iron there. Just skip it when you're looking.

- I found the Euro Pro Shark Steam Iron at Amazon.com. It'll run you about $130-$100 but I hear it gets the job done. I ordered it for a trial but I couldn't figure it out because it looks too weird. If you prefer a more traditional iron then STAY AWAY!

- I kicked around my old standby ironing.com till I realized the awful truth: They don't sell any irons! How misleading is that?!?! Bunch of liars. They certainly won't be getting any more of my BEES KNEES.

- The Naomoto HYS 58 Gravity Feed Steam Iron really KICKS SOME serious patootie, even being in the price range I wanted ($440-$400) with bells and whistles like a water bottle and a contured wood handle. I was actually about to purchase it, but then I realized it sucks 110 volts and 880 Watts, and with Lucas being so energy conscious lately, I had to back away. Plus, it's 4.5 pounds. Now, I'm not a wuss, but that's a little heavy.

The research was really fun but my clothes were getting more wrinkled by the minute. I was constantly sweating and babbling incoherently. Out of pure desperation I walked into Meijer's and bought the first iron I saw, which actually turned out to be a steal. I was enchanted by the neon lights and the "anti-drip" guarantee stamped on the side. I paid $50-$25 bucks (a little low, I know, but I'm spending all my money on food now) and so far it's been one of the best purchases of my life, placing a "Jaguar's Jockey Shorts" on my 1 to Gucci Loafers scale. It was such a knock off that I couldn't even find it on-line, but I'm telling you: my first ironing session with it was a breeze.

Foods I hate, Part II

2009-10-13T16:48:00.001-04:00

Welcome to part II of "Foods I hate".

In the first installment of "Foods I hate", we learned about my profound disgust for tomatoes, mushrooms, mayonnaise, organ meats, strawberry jam/jelly & and seafood. This part delves further into foods that spoil my fragile palate. Enjoy, or actually...don't, because what I'm about to lay out is NOT enjoyable.

Flavored Coffee

Usually I like my coffee with sugar and cream like any normal human being, and if need be, I don't mind drinking it black. In fact, drinking black coffee makes me more of a man every time I participate; my manly mane of chest hair growing thicker with every sip. However, there is a mainstream movement inside every "gourmet" coffee chain like Starbucks or Flying J to strip this wonderful drink of its beauty and desecrate its very core by adding flavored syrups to "enhance" the taste. Coffee tastes perfect, unless when it's transluscent. In that case, you should add more grounds to the original batch and run the coffee through again. Coffee can never be dark enough.

Spinach

That Popeye is full of sh--. I could eat McDonalds every day and pop a few 'roids every hour or so and get jacked like crazy. Sure, spinach might be considered "healthy" and "good for you", but so are Flintstones vitamins. If I were a horse I might like raw spinach, but I'm a human. I like hamburgers. Cooked spinach is even worse - if someone were to come up to you and say "Hey! Eat this steaming pile of green mush and tell me what you think of it", I have a hard time believing they wouldn't get smacked in the face with a rolled up newspaper. Don't bring that crap near me or I'll kill you.

Peas

Peas are like disgusting Dippin' Dots. Whoever thought that it would be a good idea to eat a bunch of green mushy balls off of a plate is severely mistaken. How am I supposed to even start to eat them?! I used to lump grean beans and peas in the same category or disgusting vegetables, but then I came to the light after tasting some delicious green beans. I won't be coming to that same conclusion with peas. Every time I am confronted with peas on a plate, I'm not sure whether to stab them with a fork or scoop them with a spoon. Any way you cut it, peas make everyone eating them look 2 years old again. The only acceptable use for peas is to split them and put them in soup. Even that smells bad, but at least I don't end up smashing it on the floor.

Indian Food

You think you're all "artsy" and "cultured" by going to that Indian Bistro uptown in the college district? I've got a news flash for you. You're not. You're gross. Don't argue with me. If I ever start dating a girl who suggests an Indian restaurant as a date idea, we're probably going to break up on the spot. Unless they have hamburgers.

Eggplant

I will never consume anything named "Baba Ghanoush". I don't think I've ever knowingly eaten eggplant before, and I think it's best that we never meet.

Feel free to add your own or tell me why I'm an idiot. Except if you tell me I'm an idiot, I'll probably start getting mean. Fire away at your own risk.

Greetings Gone Awkwardly Wrong!

2009-10-13T10:25:00.001-04:00

I'd like to bring forward a serious issue going on in conservative Christian circles around the world. If we don't talk about it, then how will things ever change? Yes, I'm speaking about the greeting known as the side-hug, most commonly seen in church groups and communities among all denominations. The side hug is a form of greeting to say hello or goodbye in which two individuals make their approach facing each other. Once the two individuals are close enough, one of the parties does a 180 degree turn so that now both individuals are standing side-by-side and facing the same direction. At this point each individual extends an arm around the other to perform the the side-hug.

The side-hug was invented to prevent the "full frontal hug" which could cause some type of excess physical hugging stimulation. I don't know about how you give a normal hug, but for me it is not ever a sexually provocative experience where I feel my chastity is being put on the line. In fact, if there are guys out there that are so pathetically desperate that they are hugging a girl to get some type of physical arousal, then we have a bigger issue. In this case, it is not the hug that needs to be redirected to some other angle. Instead, we need to kick the crap out of our pansy Christian men out there, and tell them to go on a freakn' date.

The side-hug can also create awkward moments when one person thinks they are getting a real hug and the other person wants a side-hug. In this situation, the person intending to offer a full hug ends up feeling a deep sense of rejection. Other issues are where a guy tries to side-hug a girl and he reaches around too far by accident. Suddenly, the side hug is becoming inappropriate, and defying the very logic that created it. All in all, the odds for an awkward moment with a side-hug are much higher than a traditional hug. I'm sure that Lucas and Steve (both avid Theology of the Body readers...especially Steve) would agree with JPII that our bodies are incredibly holy and good. When something as simple as a hug turns into something that has the potential to be morally questionable, it's time to take a step back and think about how we view the world. As it turns out, the side-hug is more than an issue of etiquette, but a greater issue of examining whether we are living our faith under the law, or whether we are living our faith with the law of Christ written on our hearts.

So the next time you see me, and begin to make your approach, think about what you're really doing before you start pivoting your feet to get in side-hug position. If you can't get over yourself to hug it out, then it's time to bring back the high five or a good old fashioned handshake and call it a day.

That perfect gift

2009-10-13T09:35:00.004-04:00

It works for all your friends and family. They will have a blast using it.

It will go great:

Above your grandma's fireplace ...
On your parents windowsill ...
Even in the garden!

I can't believe they haven't come out with this in the past. What a great idea!

https://www.chiaobama.com/flare/next

Just water and enjoy!

He's back

2009-10-12T19:01:00.003-04:00

THANK GOD, and get back.

I'm actually being serious here. What would we do without this man on our computer screens and televisions? Public television stations need to book "Honey Blo" ASAP for their funding drives. If you pledge $5 a month for a year, just $5 a year people!, you can have the same "Funky, Funky soul" that James Brown, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson, BB King & "My Band" all have. Remember - these are some funky, funky people with a helluva lot of soul. Call and pledge now so we can keep this program on the air!

Indian burial grounds: Boring as hell?

2009-10-12T14:28:00.000-04:00

Since I was homeschooled (yes, it's true. I'm smarter than you, and I do have social skills), every family vacation was stripped of the opportunity to sit in my underwear and do nothing in a place other than my house (don't worry, I made up for that when I moved away to college for 5 years). Rather, these supposed "vacations" were about packing as much educational curriculum into the family van and visiting sites of historical or religious significance. With the sheer amount of people crammed into the van, hotels became cost prohibitive, which offered the chance to get in touch with nature at various campgrounds (I'm actually really happy my family didn't stay in hotels on vacation. I know way too many people that have no idea how to live outside their comfortable concrete boxes. Thanks for the sweet camping skills, Dad). At least I got my own tent most of the time because my sissy brother Sam was scared of bears & their sense of smell.

Despite the educational nature of the annual family vacations, most of them were actually quite enjoyable. However, every so often on one of these escapades the chosen site pretty much bombed in the face of history books and old wives tales who praised the happenings at these sights for ther historical significance. One such site turned out to be an Indian burial mound in Southwest Ohio, which happened to be in the shape of a snake. Otherwise known as Serpent Mound. This was (and probably still is) one of the most boring things I have ever seen. Reading through history books and encyclopedias, the mound appears to be Ohio's mini version of Stonehenge or the Great Pyramids, but in reality, it's a squiggly mound of dirt covered in grass. Whoop de freakin' do. I wish I still had pictures of the 6-foot deep hole I dug in my parents' backyard that one time. THAT was impressive...

Now, I understand that there is probably some sort of astrological significance to the snake-in-the-grass, and probably some religious significance to those who decided to undertake such a hunge endeavor as piling dirt on top of itself in a symbolic gesture of who-knows-what, but simply put, it's boring. I don't mean to offend anyone by saying that (I apologize to my throng of Native American readers), but I don't see why there's such a hullabaloo over a snake-shaped mound of dirt. The added on-site museum was at best, slightly over the top.

Anyway, back to my original point - To a man, every member of my family left this site bored and uninterested, and despite the usual child/parent dissension over historical sites, a complete family unity was formed the day we went there, and for once, educators & students both agreed: That was boring as hell.

You might call it a gift

2009-10-09T14:06:00.006-04:00

They might want to start calling it a Nobel Peace gift. That would more properly define what the Prize for this year was. To call it an award, or even prize, brings up thoughts of earning said prize.

Now I don't want to be overly negative about President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Good for him! Heck if they gave it to me I would take it, especially the $1.4 million, happily. I hope he uses both the prize and the money wisely. I can't think of a better PR move for him than to donate that money to his healthcare cause.

Anyway, I still couldn't help but be shocked by this award. In my opinion Obama has not done enough in his presidency to earn this prize.

I will liken it to going to college. Obama receiving this award is very similar to someone just starting college. The person gives this speech before his first day of classes, "I will study hard and get A's in all of my classes. Not only that but I will make our college great! I will be the best student yet, because I am not like those old students. I will work hard and study hard! Trust me."

Because of this rousing speech, the college decides that this student should just get his diploma right away. Even though he hasn't done much studying or hard work yet, the college is sure he will get there. So why wait for him to complete his classes and studies before awarding him? Why not just give the student the diploma up front?

Not all things need to be wait and see, but I believe you should prove you've spread and achieved peace somewhere before earning the Nobel Peace Prize. And from the looks of Congress these days, there isn't going to be any peace there anytime soon.

Heck, Arizona State is holding out on giving Obama a honarary degree until he "earns it".

Well maybe you shouldn't have gotten that credit card...

2009-10-09T09:25:00.002-04:00

Just seems like a bad idea

2009-10-08T22:09:00.006-04:00

While I'm not your average conspiracy theorist or even run-of-the-mill over-reactor, however I still can't help but think that this is just asking for trouble.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8297811.stm

Basically what is going to happen is they are going to crash a large rocket into the Moon at what one estimate put at 5,600 mph (ie. very very fast). Why are they doing this? The reasoning given is to see if there is indeed in fact water on the Moon. Great! Just what I was wondering about. Why not put a big hole in the Moon, I'm sure no one will care.

Hey what else would we want to spend $79 million on?

Healthcare? Nah ...
The Economy? Not happening ...
A ridiculous amount of Little Debbie Brownies? That might even be a better investment ...

Oh well, I'm not a scientist. What do I know? Well I do know how the movie Armaggaedon ended ...

Weathering the proverbial storm

2009-10-08T16:08:00.006-04:00

Well, since all of the other guys I "hired" to write on this blog have disappeared (or are spending their time shooting their resumes to other bloggers in hopes of landing one of those "paying" gigs), it appears as if you, dear readers, are stuck with me and my futile attempts at humor.

While I pride myself on a firm grasp of the vernacular (that's what she said), this job is quite a lot to handle for just one man. With the sudden surge in readership, I am physically unable to keep up with the demanding mob that has effectively stormed my email inbox. Between post requests, hate mail, and marraige proposals from modestly hot women (mainly convenience store cashiers), I find myself in need of a stiff drink in the mornings, just to be able to deal with the pressure. In addition, a budding addiction to Twizzlers and banana Laffy Taffy is making me more well-acquainted with my dentist than I ever desired (Sorry Dr. Miller, you're a nice guy, but I don't want to hang out with you anymore!). In short, life is not the same when you have responsibilities and a reputation to manage and uphold.

How will I "weather the proverbial storm" you ask? Simple - I will keep on keepin' on, despite the best efforts of "the man" we call life to bring me down. I am committed to bringing you, my cherished readers the best damn coverage anywhere of what goes on inside my brain. If, by chance, the others decide to grace us with their presence, I will welcome them back with open arms and empty pocketbook. This blog isn't, hasn't, and never will be about the money. It's the love of the game. I think that's why Michael Crabtree finally just signed with the 49ers after a long-ass holdout. The money didn't matter to that guy, he just wanted to play football. Just like me, I just want to blog. Groove on that.

Until next time, PEACE!

~Lucas

Twizzlers: The new crack

2009-10-07T13:58:00.007-04:00

They're a conspiracy. They're the start of Communism in America. They're a drug for the general public without the underground market. They're shamelessly out in the open, infiltrating our communities and workplaces with a vengeance. Grandparents give them to their grandchildren, Parents reward their children with them - employers provide them for morale-boosting, movie theaters thrive on their existence, & toothpaste companies & dentists worldwide are profiting from their effects.

Twizzlers are the "new crack", the recreational drug of choice for Americans. Their addictive properties make habits that once started, are impossible to break without professional intervention. here's the kicker - They're not all that good. In fact, they're waxy, they're unhealthy, it's impossible to get just 1 out of the bag at a time because they all stick together, and the red dye makes me hyperactive. Wanna ride bikes?

Don't even get me started on Red Vines.

Mindless rambling & reflective thoughts

2009-10-05T11:52:00.000-04:00

I read a great quote yesterday. It reads "My idea of a good time at 25 is exactly what I called a wasted night at 20". I don't think I could have put it any better.

Bill, Steve and I recently moved into a new house (you knew that). I think my favorite part of living in a house rather than an apartment is not the ability to make more noise and not piss off the neighborhood, but rather the chance to get away from people if I want to. I mean, seriously - the older I get, the less I like being around groups of people - especially large groups of people in bars looking to get laid or drunk or both.

I find myself enjoying quiet nights NOT talking to people, and ignoring all communication from the outside world except for people with whom I actually want to interact. As Bill knows, I'm somewhat of a control freak. Nothing gives me the feeling of being in control like hitting the "ignore" button on my cell phone, so if you happen to be the one calling me, deal with it.

It got me thinking of where I made the transition from always being up and ready to be spontaneous at a moment's notice to drab, boring, and content. I think that while in terms of numbers, the distance between 20 & 25 seems to be just a matter of a few years, I feel that in reality, the actual distance is much greater; with some exceptions, of course.

This distance, in my opinion, is due to the amount of responsibility and life circumstances that someone faces at these certain points in their lives. For example, picture me as a 20 year old - long, flowing blond hair (picture Fabio, if Fabio wasn't weird, only hotter), women begging for my "digits", skipping classes, burning couches, rocking out with my band on a nightly basis...McDonalds as my personal nutritionist...you get the picture. Then picture me now - short, easy to manage hair (or lack of it), business job, volunteer teacher, cat caretaker, still rocking out with a band, only one roommate instead of 5...It's obvious my life has changed quite a bit. I wouldn't change a thing though. The main difference, however, is how I choose to spend my free time. I don't watch nearly the amount of TV I used to, and my relationships with those around me have become more and more meaningful - so has the opportunity for silence.

Looking through the lens of a 20 year old Lucas, I would probably think that my life right now is pretty boring. Through my 25 year old wisdom, I think it's just right. I've learned to appreciate any downtime and opportunity to unwind. When I get those opportunities, I think I'm a better person to be around, too.

Anyway, that's enough rambling for me. It only took me a week to post this after I started writing it...

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2009-10-02T15:55:00.003-04:00

So, in keeping with the general idea of October as "Breast Cancer Awareness Month", we have decided to change our look. You are now all aware of breast cancer.

No, seriously - if NFL players can wear pink cleats & gloves this month, I think we should be able to turn the blog pink for a month too. I think it's very becoming of us.

Didn't get the vote

2009-10-02T13:29:00.004-04:00

So it looks as if Chicago has lost its bid for the 2016 Olympics.

I can't believe it. It just doesn't make sense. Chicago had the odds in its favor. It had not only Michael Jordan, Michael Phelps, and Hillary Clinton supporting it. It had Barack and Oprah! I didn't know it was possible to not support them. Are those IOC voters sure they voted properly? Can we have a recount?

I mean I always thought a good speech and a little Oprah support ensured a guaranteed victory. Heck that worked for Tom Cruise and Scientology. Once Tom bounced around on Oprah's couch and spoke some serious Scientology nonsense at us, it didn't seem quite as crazy ... right?

I'm sure Obama and Oprah hope that America doesn't take note. It seems you can oppose their views and you won't spontaneously combust?! I know ... how dare those IOC voters?

Hey nevermind that South America has never hosted the Olympics. Nevermind that in the midst of tough economic times Obama doesn't mind spending another $5 - $40 billion dollars on a few week event. He gave a speech dang it! And he had Oprah backing him (read: if Obama jumped off a bridge, would you? joke).

Well at least it eases my mind a bit that during the firestorm of contraversial political topics currently amonst us: Iran, Healthcare debate, still unresolved weak economy, etc etc etc ... at least Obama is concerned about the important stuff like getting the Olympics in Chicago and this. Thank you, I was a tad worried about all those texting-driving FBI agents. They are such a hazard!

Final thought: What about the Olympics in Cincy?? Maybe after the Bengals take a Superbowl ...

Bill's sister has a blog

2009-10-01T17:13:00.000-04:00

And you should check it out.

It's called Darwin Catholic. They pumped us up last week, so I thought that all of us here at ACNS should return the favor. Check it out and Let them know what you think!

Emasculation Station?

2009-09-30T23:03:00.003-04:00

While it's amazing how big a role confidence plays in the modern man's attempt to be manly, it's even more amazing how the simplest of circumstances can squeeze that confidence to down to a mushy pulp.

Say, just for example, you've just finished an awesome weekend of manly musical gigs in Omaha, and are preparing for a manly 12 hour overnight drive back to Cincinnati, where your manly football team has just won a manly victory, and you walk into a gas station (= manly) to make a manly purchase. Your confidence is at an all time high. And just for the heck of it, since it's our example, let's say your name is Lucas.

Strolling out of the store, you casually shove up against the door in a manly, cool manner. You have no real time for doors. Your normal walking motion is enough to reduce the door to a swinging pile of gelatinous rubble. But the door does not move. Why has the door suddenly become a more stalwart, powerful object than you? Ah, but you are pushing on the hinge side, where approximately 381 times the normal force is needed.

You find yourself in a quandary. Do you look like a pathetic weakling by throwing all of your apparently not-so-manly might into trying to slowly open that door on the hinge side, or do you make yourself look like the most blithering fool by stopping the door-opening process and restarting on the other side?

Whatever you decide, you can be sure that any opportunity you had to look like Mr. Coolguy McSmoothy-Pants has been shot to hell, and that modestly hot cashier will never go out with you now. Every person in the station and beyond (since it's a glass door) can see your fruitless struggle to open a door that you're pretty sure a pregnant woman half your size just walked through without a thought. The battle has already been lost.

For my part, I choose to look the weakling instead of the fool and continue my hinge-side pushing until blood vessels burst in my eyes. For your part, manly men of the world, attack these confidence mushers in the middle, where the hinges will not affect.

Or just kick that $#!+ open.

Horse Racing = Amish Nascar?

2009-09-30T09:07:00.003-04:00

2 Amish dudes talking about the big race this weekend

Think about it.

There's not many things to do in Amish country except for churn butter, harvest crops, and grow amazing (though tired and unoriginal) beards. Making furniture could hardly be considered entertainment, and plowing the fields is back-breaking work. Sports are a good way to break up the monotony of the Amish lifestyle, but without the modern conveniences of electricity, general knowledge of conventional American sports is essentially nil.

Despite this lack of media coverage and stardom that mainstream sports and pop culture drive so effectively, our Amish brethren have found their need for sport satiated through the age-old tradition of horse racing. Since the beginning of the age when that first original cell mutated into all of the different species of Earth-inhabiting creatures seen today, bipeds have been riding quadrupeds non-stop, even so far as to exploit the quadrupeds' natural ability to run around tracks in circles for miles in order to finish first.

In our progressive modern society, we have realized the negative self-esteem factors on our equine friends and invented a new way to go around tracks in circles, which we lovingly call NASCAR. This "NASCAR phenomenon", however is hardly as pure as the original sport of horse racing. Exhaust fumes permeate the air and noise pollution is rampant. It also has the side effect of luring the cave-dwellers of modern society out of their underground dwellings, driving them to yell uncontrollably, consume large amounts of alcohol, and engage in general debauchery. Yee Haw!

The Amish however, have been able to preserve the purity of the original sport of horse racing through their ability to remain silent and stoic during even the most emotional of moments. Because this takes so much concentration and determination, Amish horse races usually last about 45 seconds compared to 3 or more hours for the typical NASCAR race. This dramatically reduces the amount of noise pollution compared to racing cars with combustion engines, and while the Amish version still involves the stench of horse feces, it's a much classier smell - it's organic and made without the devil's handiwork.

All in all, these 2 sports, while seemingly without much in common, really are the same thing. While borne of 2 different cultures and mindsets, the end goal is the same: Who can make the most left turns the fastest. And that, my friends is why horse racing is the Amish version of Nascar.

Foods I Hate, Part Buck

2009-09-27T20:43:00.003-04:00

I noticed Lucas was not such a popular guy after bearing his very soul to share some of his least favorite foods earlier this week. Why are you readers out there offended that he might find tomatoes, mushrooms, mayo, and seafood gross? Chances are you find certain foods absolutely appalling that make other people's mouths water. All in all I thought Lucas' list of foods were at least common with thousands of other people's dislikes and not super out of the ordinary. You want to know what is out of the ordinary and should make you so angry you could punch yourself in the neck? ME.

I am hands down the pickiest eater in the ENTIRE WORLD. Let this be a challenge. I will pay someone $100 who proves to me they are a grown adult that is pickier than me (although you can't have some special condition). BRING IT! Here's the thing... for the most part, I don't even have logical reasons behind my madness. At least Lucas gave you an argument. I just have been this way since the age of 2, and my stubbornness never lost a battle to mom ad dad at the dinner table. It's not that they were bad parents and didn't try to get me to eat my broccoli; it's simply that my stubbornness does not compromise. Now at the age of 26, I am the awkward picky eater guy that gets invited over for dinner and still moves things around on his plate to pretend like he at least tried everything. Should I start to list things off? Will you be able to handle this?? Here's just a handful of my insanity. I do NOT eat:

- 95% of desserts (including chocolate. that's right, ladies...chocolate)

- All fruits with the exception of orange juice. I freakn' love orange juice.

- 99% of vegetables. I like potatoes and corn on the cob. To all you salad eaters, I think lettuce is just weird.

- peanut butter and jelly. The very staple of childhood lunches and half of Lucas' modern diet.

- lunch meats! I don't like slimy/cold meat. Meat belongs on the grill

- Condiments. BBQ, ketchup, and mashed potatoes are acceptable.

Keep in mind that these are just categories. Once we drill down into specifics the list gets pretty crazy long. You might be inclined to feel sorry for my limited "enjoyment" of life with such horrible eating standards. However, I make it through my days just fine so please feel sorry for the future Mrs. Buck who will have to put up with me. You also may be concerned for my health, and I appreciate that. Thank you. However, don't be concerned because to compensate for my eating habits I have been born into a family that lives close to forever. My great grandmother lived to be 109. My current grandmother is alive and kicking at the age of 100. My own mother is almost 70 and will probably outlive the both of them. With these home grown super genes I plan to balance out and live to a nice average age like the rest of you. Just to be safe I take a multi-vitamin.

Live Music Paradise

2009-09-25T13:30:00.004-04:00

I love music. I could create a whole blog to write nothing but album reviews, but I understand that music like all art is a highly subjective subject matter. Despite this, I believe that there are objective truths in art that we can all agree upon. For example, I will be the first to admit that I am not a Dave Matthews fan. However, I can also admit that their drummer, Carter Beauford, is easily the greatest drummer of modern rock, if not ever. Along these same lines I would like to share my experience from last night in a small rock club in Baltimore. I've had the privilege to see a lot of live acts from small indie-rock performances in hole-in-the-wall bars to massive rock stadium tours. However, there is one live band that stands out from all the rest. I'm not going to say they are the best musicians I've seen, the best song writers, the best light show, or the band with the best beards (Dave Grohl, you can rock a beard like no other!). At the same time, it's very fair to say they are good musicians and good song writers, and incredibly creative. When you add this to the fact that they put 1000% into their live show you can't help but walk away in absolute awe.

What then is my musically objective point? New Orleans-based electronica alt-rock band, Mute Math, is one of the most entertaining live bands that you could ever hope to see in your life. I'm going to stray from objectivity for just a second because forget what I just said... Mute Math is THE most entertaining live band you could ever hope to see in your life. It's getting common for bands to have lots of ambient background sounds going on to compliment the typical rock sound of guitars, piano, bass, and drums. A lot of bands are relying more heavily on pre-recorded tracks of keys and guitars to fill out their live sound and make it sound closer to a studio album. Mute Math has a sound that thrives off of lots of accent sounds with a full entourage of keys, synths, upright bass, percussion, home-made instruments, and background vocal effects. What makes this 4 piece band different is they fill their entire stage with all of these things and play most everything live themselves.

It's entertaining when you see a group of musicians that are so versatile and can do so many things at once. It's TRULY entertaining when those same musicians are doing this while running around a small stage like maniacs, and still sounding phenomenal. When you go to see Mute Math live you can expect to see percussion jam sessions that may start with the drum set but end with them using chairs and any other object they can find to create rhythmic sound. The stage is usually cluttered which means it's going to make a lot more sense for them to do handstands and flips over keyboards and amps rather than walking around them. A synth guitar will more than likely stage dive to crowd surf so that everyone else can have their shot at contributing to the noise. The drummer might just decide to use his base drum as a surf board and take it for a ride over the crowd. And above all, you can sure as heck expect that the Keytar is going to come back in style like it's 1987.

If you get a chance this Fall to go see the Mute Math: Armistice Tour, I highly recommend it. If you need convincing, their music videos should do the job:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAtXKS9ZxvM - Typical - and yes they learned how to play their whole song backwards.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry6GAwDCI2I - Spotlight - and yes they learned how to play their whole song in slow motion while being thrown around in a van.

Foods I hate, Part I

2009-09-24T15:22:00.010-04:00

To some, I would be considered a picky eater. Red meat and starches are dietary staples to be consumed in mass quantities. This isn't meant to diss vegetables though - I like vegetables. In fact, broccoli might be my favorite vegetable of all time. I like plenty of foods, as long as they're not weird or gross. Is that too much to ask?

I don't mean to make this post about foods I like. This is about foods I DON'T like. In fact, I aim to make this the first post in a series about foods that really bake my clams (I hate clams). Enjoy! Because I won't!

Tomatoes

The Spawn of Satan. My cousin once described them as "spewy", which I thought described everything tomatoes were about. What's with that gross jelly-like substance in the middle of them? I've tried very hard to like tomatoes, yet I still can't stomach them.There is nothing worse than biting into a sandwich and discovering a tomato. All you can do is sit there with an open mouth full of sandwich, trying to not let the tomato touch any part of your mouth.

Strawberry Jam

Whoever decided that leaving the seeds inside jam or jelly would be a good idea? Probably the same people who decided that 12 grain bread & crunchy peanut butter were good ideas. It's taken me some time to get over my fear of the texture of beans, but God help me if I ever have to bite down on a sandwich with strawberry jelly again. My whole body turns to jell-o at the thought.

Seafood

I will never understand how seafood restaurants stay in business. Every menu item tastes exactly the same. I don't care if it's crab legs, salmon, halibut, shrimp, or mussels, they all taste like fish, which is unforgivable. In my opinion, if you have to fry something to make it even remotely palatable, you need to find something different to eat.*

*Potatoes excepted

Mushrooms

Lots of them are poisonous, and they grow on the dark side of poop. 'Nuff said

Mayonnaise

While I acually like mayo, everything about it is really just wrong.

Organ Meats

Ok, these are just gross. I know people who love chicken livers and can't wait to fry up that heart that came inside the chicken when they bought it. IT'S AN ORGAN! I know I said I love red meat, but wow. Just wow. I would only consider the thought of eating organ meats if my name was Bear Grylls and I was a total bad-ass. Oh, I would have to be literally starving first too. I'm really not looking to be bad ass here, just alive.

There's plenty more where this came from. Stay tuned for what else I hate.

401k

2009-09-23T13:07:00.005-04:00

I just recieved an email from my 401k provider letting me know about some of the changes that will be affecting my account. I was grateful, because I had been wondering when they were going to alter the "composite benchmark" and get some new "underlying fund investments". Come on already! That doesn't even take into account the new "equity allocation changes" they threw in for good measure.

Seriously?!

I consider myself to be just as smart as the next guy, and I pride myself on knowing something about how our banking system works, but as soon as my bank or investment provider lets me know anything, I get the feeling that I'm getting screwed out of my money due to the Greenspan-esque sentence construction meant to "keep me informed" of what's going on with my investments.

In any case, I guess I'll just keep feeding my money into this monster in the hopes that one day I can live in my beach-side condo in Florida...or maybe move to Dubai.

Mascots: Creepers in Disguise?

2009-09-22T15:21:00.002-04:00

While visiting the future Mrs. Buck in Pennsylvania over the past weekend I was able to catch a local college football game at Kutztown University. When I was not watching the Kutztown Bears be brutally slaughtered, I was observing an interesting breach to American social etiquette: Mascots. The Kutztown Golden Bear was no different than any other mascot with the exception that he looked like he belonged in a kids cereal commercial and not a college football game. What stood out to me was that mascots throughout the world are granted free reign to defy all of the unspoken rules of strangers.

If a stranger were to come up to you at a football game and give you a big hug, sit down on your lap, spill popcorn on your head, put their arm around your small child, or just come up close and stare at you, there would be very good odds that stranger would end up getting the living crap beat out of them. Now take all of these same actions, put the stranger in a big fluffy animal costume with a big smile on their face, and suddenly everything is perfectly acceptable! Just because the mascot mask looks like an innocent smiling bear doesn't mean there's an innocent smiling bear on the inside. There could be a major creeper underneath there. What is the interview process like for a mascot? Maybe they should go through a full background check, do a polygraph, and have a good psych evaluation.

Nothing is as it seems.

These need to be in every bathroom.

2009-09-22T14:59:00.003-04:00

Maybe Obama can take a page from the Hoover presidency and promise "An XLERATOR in every bathroom".

No, seriously. I automatically assume that businesses are cheap if they don't have one of these bad boys adorning their bathroom walls. There's nothing worse than taking a full minute to dry your hands!

That's Some Funny "Shrit"

2009-09-20T17:23:00.002-04:00

I consider myself the wizard of the wise-crack. The oligarch of the one-liner. The potentate of the pot-shot, the king of the quip, swami of the suckerpunch, the zinger czar.
But the major problem one encounters when one has such a talent as I is the smallish window of opportunity to display said talent. An artfully wielded witticism which I might have spent hours or even days crafting, and even longer finding the proper situation in which to use it, may only be appreciated by the select few who are graced enough to hear it at the time. How can I get those who were not present to enjoy the funny thing I said? They can't possibly know what they've missed.
UNTIL NOW.
What I said above is actually no longer a problem. I was dramatically setting up that "until now". You see how good I am?
I have found, on-line, these shirts with funny one liners. These things are hiiiiiillARious! And useful: now, not only do I not have to spend the time crafting them (I can get rid of this), but the joke can be seen by everyone who sees me all day! They can laugh not only the first time, but the second and the third and the twelfth and the hundredth time. If the joke is funny enough, it doesn't need a context and it'll never get old. Take a tip from me and take the work out of funny.

Professionalism is overrated

2009-09-18T17:05:00.006-04:00

Usually, when I'm at work, I do my best to be work-appropriate when I answer the phone. In keeping with my usually reserved and subdued personality, I do my best to act and speak professionally, while providing the best experience possible for those who come in contact with me in a business capacity (friends are a different story - I'll push your buttons until you physically stop me!). However, as business relationships evolve, they become less professional and more personal, depending on the rapport built up between all parties involved.

Given that statement and the beauty of caller-ID, sometimes the phone gets answered with a more casual "Yo!" or "Whatchu want?" or "What UUUUUUUP YO?!!!", rather than the usual "Hello, This is Lucas, how can I help you?". You know you're calling me, I know you're calling me, let's cut the crap and get down to talking about what we're each doing this weekend or how hungover you are.

The only problem is, sometimes this doesn't always work. With the advance in phone system technology, many times you can only recognize which company the call is coming from rather than the individual person. On a more than a few occasions, I have been the beneficiary of phone calls from coworkers of those with whom I've developed the rapport described in detail above (Paragraph #2, line #6, word #7). On these occasions, after I answer the phone with the casually-inspired "Yuuuuuuuuup", followed by silence on the other end. That silence is soon broken by a feeble "Ummmm, yeah. I'm looking for Lucas H?", in which case I then have to redeem myself in an unredeemable situation. I've already become "that guy". Nobody wants to be "that guy".

Instead of changing myself, I propose an end to traditional ways of answering the phone. Imagine how much more fun work would be if everybody tried to catch everybody else off guard when they answered the phone. I suspect that only rickety old sales professionals and company-lifers would object, but they'll be gone soon enough.

Don't Mess with Steve

2009-09-18T08:26:00.004-04:00

There I am trying to navigate the stormy waters of a contract negotiation for my vast time and energy I put in here at ACNS. You would think this type of thing would go smoothly, you know, since I currently don't get paid anything for my witty and wise words. I'm not asking for much, maybe just a weekly pay"box" of Little Debbie Brownies.

But as I'm sitting there peacefully talking with the CEO(Lucas) trying to scratch out the finer details of the arrangement, I feel the searing pain of claws digging deep(okay, really it was just a few light scratches) into my forearm. Well, well it looks like we have a third party in the negotiations I didn't know about, that would be Vice President of Operations (aka Steve). Needless to say the downturn in the negotiations left me with few options in getting what I felt I rightly deserved (Little Debbie brownies) ... well that, and one large pain-filled tear.

What was I to do? Let me list out my options for you.

1. I could write a complaint to HR, citing employee abuse. But guess who sits on the review board for those complaints? That's right, Lucas and Steve.

2. I would attempt to write a letter to my congressman, but guess who runs the mail room? You would be right again, Steve. And don't try to tell me he doesn't scan those letters for fishy(ha, get it) content!

3. Or ... I could slink back home to fulfill my quota of ACNS posts, so I can attempt to avoid getting verbally and emotionally scolded again by my manager ... Steve.

So for now it doesn't seem as if those sweet walnut-topped plastic-wrapped 12-squares-in-a-box Little Debbie brownies will be coming my way. But next time I can muster up enough gumption to take on Lucas and Steve, I'll be back. See you in a couple years!

This post just serves as a warning for those who dare challenge the powers at be. They will lure you in with some nice talk about being friends, Little Debbie brownies, and other nice sounding what-nots, then when you least expect it .....

... be afraid.

Acronyms gone mad

2009-09-17T15:17:00.002-04:00

Aren't you sure you don't have that in the store? I see it in the ad here ...

And of course it must be HD ready!

Shoulder Pads

2009-09-17T13:57:00.000-04:00

Genetically speaking, I am what you would consider a "specimen". The unrivalled & unparalleled DNA sequences housed in my superior bone structure and army of an immune system leave little to be desired. That said, there are a few inconsequential features of my body that leave some room (not much though!) for improvement. Most of these are invisible to the untrained eye, but one stands out above the rest. I don't have very broad shoulders.

To most, this is hardly a deal-breaker. To me, "Mr. Detail" as I like to call myself, I find it unnerving and disconcerting at best. However, due to the innovative nature of the human race, we have developed the end-all solution to my dilemma - shoulder pads.

Let me hit you with a quote from the "Fashion-Era" webpage (a quick look at their site will give instant credibility to their material) to emphasize the importance of shoulder pads:

"Designers tried to drop the shoulder pad in the same way they tried to drop the mini for the maxi in the sixties, but as in the case of the mini the public stuck to what they wanted...and they wanted shoulder pads. By its nature a shoulder pad creates a smooth line over the natural hollows of the collar bone area. Women suddenly noticed that shoulder pads smoothed out body postural imperfections and they liked the effect."

I have already begun converting all of my t-shirts to accomodate velcro shoulder pad inserts. Just a few more quiet evenings at home with my sewing machine and a bottle of chilled Rosé di Regaleali (a very fine rose wine which I reserve for special occasions and sewing projects), and I should be finished. I'm going to have to get some lotion for my hands though - the rough part of the velcro is tearing up my banker-like hands.

There you have it, even the best of us genetically have our flaws (minute as mine may be), but with a little innovation, some hard work, and a bottle of wine, we can all learn to improve our feelings of self worth (and now with broad shoulders, I now look even MORE intimidating!).

Omelet Day

2009-09-17T11:50:00.003-04:00

Today was a special day in the life of Buck. Today was Omelet Day. At approximately 9 am this morning, as I sifted through company email and prepared for the long grueling day ahead, a glimmer of hope shined down upon me. One of the software vendors that I work with decided to bring my sales team breakfast this morning. They didn't just bring us breakfast; they brought a breakfast industry expert: the Omelet Guy. For the past hour Omelet Guy has been tirelessly working three skillets at once, creating delicious omelets, and filling our stomachs with bliss and joy. As I sit here and reflect on my blessings from Omelet Day, I can't help but hope for the best office day ever for the working class throughout the world.

Power User

2009-09-16T16:01:00.004-04:00

So I was roaming around the local library the other day when I saw a sign saying you could check-out up to 50 items at one time. 50 items! Think about that. That's what I call a power user.

Power User!

I want to know who as one person can consume that amount of information so quickly? That is some serious speed-reading/watching. Who is reading that amount of books in one month? Maybe they are just going crazy on some certain genre. No wonder I can't get that latest Godzilla movie/book, they snatched them all up for a Godzilla brain-melting marathon!

But hey, in this economy I do have to give them props for using the "free" resources like the library at their disposal. Think about the budget one would have to buy 50 books each month. Crazy!

Now I feel challenged. Watch out library, there might just be a one-man run this week on every DVD of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. All 6 seasons and the 2 movies! I'm just saying.

Yes...

2009-09-16T15:26:00.001-04:00

That is THE Bill from A Roommate Named Bill who just posted. Be nice to him. He's fragile.

Dollar Menu

2009-09-16T15:14:00.003-04:00

In my effort to be more responsible with my time and money, I’ve come to the conclusion that one thing is taking up more time and wasting more money than any other. Food. I buy it, eat it, buy it again, eat it again, buy it again…the cycle never seems to end. This was never a problem when I was at my folks’ house, or in the college cafeteria, or mooching off friends and people walking to work.

But I live by myself now, or, more accurately, I live with Lucas and his cat now. Lucas and I split food costs (a delicate system of bartering vaguely rigid IOU’s covering a variety of expenditures), but he won’t pay for everything, particularly tuna and frozen lima beans. At least he’ll let me contribute to his blog, which his devil-colored cat wouldn’t let me do. Steve would also not split food costs.

But I’ve come to see this “food” thing as one if not the greatest inconvenience in my life. There’s so much time I waste eating, or thinking about eating. I have to put so much thought into how to stretch my dollars so I can buy food. It's a money drain. What really fries my chicken is the “food industry”, which has a monopoly on the “food market”. Every time I buy more food I’m just eaten by the idea that I’m putting more dough into the pockets of “The Man”. I’m also ticked at how food clichés are working into my everyday vocabulary. So I made the resolution to quit food. But like foreign oil, it’s apparently something we need.

How, then, does one balance nutrition, economy, taste and craving? I’ll tell you how: Potpies. I ate two tonight. I feel Great!

h/t to http://foodpoisonblog.com/ for the pic

Swine Flu

2009-09-15T23:34:00.003-04:00

At the risk of sounding completely insane I will bare my soul to the deepest depths and let you all in on a little secret: I want the Swine Flu.

On the surface, it may look like I am a masochistic maniac, or just an idiot. While I can't claim that I don't have just a little bit of stupid in me (I have won plenty of Stupid Contests in my life), I don't think I'm off base. Bear with me here...

I want the Swine Flu because it's HUGE! Everybody is talking about it, and I don't want to be left behind when it finally goes away. Imagine telling your future grandchildren about the time you had Swine Flu during "The Pandemic of 2009/2010", which will of course sound so far into the unimaginably distant past. When they say "that seems so far in the unimaginably distant past", you can provide them with a little perspective by telling them that it was the end of the age of Capitalistic Ideals in America. I digress.

Imagine the feeling of surviving something like Swine Flu. In it's own way, it's being a warrior against sicknesses named after filthy animals, a feat that not many can say they have completed. Swine Flu is instant 15 minutes of fame. As soon as you get out of that doctor's office, you call the news, and BAM! You're the latest documented case of Swine Flu in your area. They probably won't even say your name on TV or the radio, but you know. That's all that counts. Plus, my immune system could use some good exercise. It's been far too uneventful of a year, and I feel like something big is on the horizon.

If anyone knows that they actually have Swine Flu, come on over and cough on me a little bit (or a lot, whatever). I've got an ABC News reporter on speed dial, ready to tweet the news whenever I give him the go-ahead.

Funny thought

2009-09-15T22:15:00.002-04:00

So I amused myself with this thought tonight.

What if God had a website, and that website had a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) section?

Talk about lengthy!

Is technology making us (look) dumb?

2009-09-15T14:11:00.004-04:00

[Updated]: Now with stupider looking image!

So I'm sitting on the bus reading my book in peace, when I notice a flash of something next to me. I look out of the corner of my eye and it seems as if the guy across the aisle from me is waving his hand, maybe trying to get my attention. So I look up and now it seems as if his hand is twitching. Is there something wrong with him? Is he just crazy? No, its none of those ... he is just trying to answer my question above by waving his hand all around like a crazy man to change the song on his iPod instead of simply pressing the next button.

Here's another fun example.

So this guy is standing next to you while you are waiting in line to buy the newest piece of tech-gadgetry. He looks right at you, says hello, and then asks how you are. Seeing these events as commonly understood ways of striking up conversation with others you respond politely.H e then begins asking you some question, or making some statement that completely doesn't make sense in the context of your "conversation". Only then do you realize that no he doesn't want to strike up conversation with you, nor is he crazy and talking to himself, but instead he is talking to someone through a bluetooth piece on the side of his head that you just now noticed.

Now I don't want to come off as judgmental here because I have done my fair share of stupid things when technology is involved. One that comes to mind is when I was sitting in the computer lab at school with my headphones blaring when I decided to ask my friend next to me a question. I thought I was talking in a reasonable tone of voice, until I realized the whole lab was staring at me. So I took off my headphones to have my friend tell me I just yelled the question quite loudly for the whole place to hear.

As usual, these are just some thoughts in my mind. It just seems that the more and more we use technology, the less and less we use our minds. Might I say though, thank goodness for the spell check because its lays a good cover to hide some of my spelling stupidity.

Mustaches

2009-09-14T21:08:00.004-04:00

For just one day in my life, I would like to have a mustache. Not just any old mustache, but a Burt Reynolds meets Sam Elliot meets Alex Trebek (when he had a mustache) clashing of the titans of superior upper-lip hair follicles. The only problem is in today's American culture, the mustache gets a bad rap. It's commonly associated with perverts, white trash, and Metallica fans (is that redundant?). I think that could change, but only if proper mustache growing, trimming, and grooming procedures were properly instituted and executed. Admittedly, if I were to grow one without some sort of mustache performance enhancement (check your spam folder for great offers!), I might scare my own mother. But hey, it never hurt anyone to dream...

For those of you (ladies included!!!) that can grow a mustache, I suggest we (you) take it back for the good of society! I'll be cheering you on - every hair of the way.

Job Options

2009-09-14T15:23:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been considering a new career path in order to spice things up a little bit. I'm not really sure what I want to do, but I have narrowed my search criteria down with two revealing categories that will factor into a decision. Firstly, it's important to find something I am genuinely passionate about for the sake of itself so that I can jump out of bed every morning with a smile on my face, knowing the joy that I will be spending the bulk of my day at my beloved job. Secondly, goes against the first point, but I've been doing some thinking and it seems to add up: money solves all problems, and therefore, higher paying job is all that matters. Now let's look at the facts:

- Pay off student loans or buy food? Do them both with a higher paying job!
- Tired of dealing with the stress of everyday life? Go on sweet exotic vacations (New Zealand, Hawaii, or Cleveland to name a few) with higher paying job!
- Feel like our country's going to the crapper? Buy the Democratic party and put an end to it with a higher paying job!
- Solve world hunger? Higher paying job!
- World peace? Buy off China, Iran, North Korea, and Steve with a higher paying job!

Now sure, you can argue with me that money won't fix the human soul, and all we really need is to bring Christ's love into the world. Maybe I should focus on finding a job I'll genuinely enjoy, but you have to admit that some of my points are compelling.

There comes a time when giving up is the only option...

2009-09-13T22:22:00.002-04:00

It's when you're the Bengals.

Why is this not in theaters?!!

2009-09-12T12:21:00.007-04:00

Aaaaaaannd, finding this little gold nugget is what I've done with my Saturday so far.

How to be a successful freeloader

2009-09-11T15:56:00.002-04:00

I moved into my new apartment at the end of July and have been busy getting the place ready for the arrival of Mrs. Buck. Within one day of moving in my sweet pad I had effortlessly acquired a freeloader roommate. 43 days later my freeloader has settled in quite nicely and should be keeping me company until the day of Mrs. Buck's much anticipated arrival. Typically our society looks down on the freeloader as an irresponsible loser who manipulates others for their own good because they are too lazy to do anything themselves. That may be true, but I think that can be a little harsh, and there should be exceptions. I believe that there is such a thing as a high quality freeloader that you would be blessed to have in your life. As such, I would like to give some advice on how to be a good freeloader for all of you that are discerning this as a future vocation.

Firstly, let's discuss entitlement. If you want to freeload then you need to quickly learn how to hide any sense of entitlement. You are paying less than a dime for rent and there are no words you can use to argue that you deserve anything in this situation. Therefore, you need to learn some tactics to evade these potential problems of tension. It may be smart to find ways to buy/steal your own food, or at least not go near the treasured bag of chicken patties. If you do need to mooch some food I recommend going for things that won't be noticed such as the frozen vegetables or an occasional slice of bread or a couple of eggs. Be sneaky and considerate and you'll do just fine.

Secondly, if you clean up your messes it's as good as if you weren't even there at all. People can only get angry at you for freeloading if you're making their life worse. Now if you go above and beyond and clean up their mess too you've just created value that they didn't have before. Do they have a cleaning service? Probably not, so now the pages have turned, and even though they are giving you shelter they will also be thanking you.

Thirdly, spontaneous acts of charity are a must. If you bring home an extra large order of curly fries on your way back from Arby's then how can they get mad at you for not paying rent?! Not only are you keeping things clean, but you're providing them with free curly fries that they weren't expecting! Who doesn't want free curly fries??

Finally, the most important tool to successful freeloading is to be awesome! Here are your options as far as perception: 1. You are the lazy friend who lives on the couch, or 2. You are the most fun person in the world to be around, and your very presence is creating crazy awesome experiences every day. You are living on the edge by refusing to conform and get a job, and so you need to bring some of that edginess into the home so that it feels like the very air around you is singing Highway to the Danger Zone from Top Gun. Encourage frequent trips to the bars, go on pointless road trips, throw a mustache theme party, etc.

Now go out there and change the world!

Greetings from Buck

2009-09-10T16:21:00.003-04:00

It's an honor to be posting on a blog as prestigious and well renowned as A Cat Named Steve. If all goes well I hope to quit my job here in Northern Virginia shortly and dedicate a full-time 6 hour work week to writing for ACNS. Rather than erupting into a spectacular autobiographical monologue, I think we shall get straight down to business and get to know one another. That being said, here are ten facts about myself that I would like to share. Consider these the first blocks in the foundation upon you and I will build.

1. I was roommates with Lucas long before Steve or Bill
2. I wore a tux to the wedding of my first girlfriend, but I was not the groom.
3. When I was 8 years old I found dinosaur bones while hiking. Some people claim they were cow bones. Some people are liars.
4. My first memory of Dr Pepper was at the age of 4 at a ski resort.
5. I do not intend to have a last memory of Dr Pepper because I believe Heaven has free refills
6. There will be a Mrs. Buck in 44 days.
7. All great secret agents have the initials JB (James Bond, Jason Bourne, etc). I would call myself Jimbo Buckerson if I was a secret agent.
8. I played soccer on a team for one hour before quitting. I didn't like soccer.
9. When I was 11 my mom made me wear plaid shorts to school picture day and everyone made fun of me. I faked sick to go home and play Sega Genesis.
10. One time Lucas and I switched pants at a party. It was funny because we weren't wearing our own pants. I like the word pants.

Ok, now this is getting ridiculous...

2009-09-10T09:29:00.010-04:00

I'm a compulsive person. Once I open a can of Pringles, I just can't stop poppin'! I ate half a bag of Twizzlers the other day because they were there. I love drinking warm milk so much that I once drank a gallon of it in 15 minutes - ok, that's not true, but it's gross and funny to think about.

Anyway, I have continued the ridiculousness by asking yet another one of my readers to become a contributor to ACNS. I've known Buck for quite a while - since Fall of 2002 when we were pimply-faced college freshmen with a penchant for the ridiculous. Since then, we've developed a friendship that spans the space/time continuum and the mental capacities of mere human mortals such as yourselves.

Listen to Buck. He knows what he's talking about. Welcome to the Big Time buddy!

Buck

Marbled Skinny Jeans

2009-09-09T16:40:00.006-04:00

There really isn't anything like a good pair of marbled skinny jeans. The Emos took away skinny jeans as a whole, but in a stunning display of goodwill they allowed me to retain the rights to the marbled ones, which were the only ones I wanted anyway. Suckers.

I dug them out from a bag of old clothes that Bill was going to give to St. Vincent DePaul. I think he took them a couple years ago and wore them around the house when I wasn't home because he was jealous of them. Either way, I've got them back now, and I'll be waddling in style tonight. Since I don't have any pics of me in them, here's one example of the many different style combinations these pants can really drive home.

I can't wait to hear all the compliments I'll get on them. I went out and bought Steve a matching pair today too, so not only are we best friends, we match too!

Settling In

2009-09-08T12:54:00.004-04:00

Well, Steve, Bill & I have taken the plunge. We've up and moved into an actual house from our 1 bedroom apartment where we shared an XL Twin bed. Bill & I would sleep head to toe with Steve wedging his way in between us with his butt right in Bill's face. Bill didn't like it at first, but I think he got used to it, and he's having a hard time adjusting in the new house with his own room & bed. He'll survive. I think.

In any case, we're all moved into the new house. It's set in a quaint, post-war era neighborhood, where a stroll in the park across the street reminds one of the days of past innocence where your neighbors actually knew your name and AM radio was the evening entertainment. A flashback to the days when people actually cared about each other.

Last night, after a hard day's labor in finally unpacking the rest of our belongings and debating their rightful places in the house, Bill & I decided that we are in love...with the new house (not THAT!!!). The extra space affords each of us the opportunity to get away from each other and "do our own thing". We also decided to get rid of the devil-incarnate cable box and go with broadcast TV. To be honest, I don't miss it one bit. We'll still be able to watch football on the weekends, and since the TV is in the basement, we'll be able to watch from our sweet dive bar in the basement, complete with wood paneling and 70's "velva-print" posters. Here's a pic:

Steve loves the new house too. There's plenty of sinks for him to lay in and now he doesn't have to wedge in between anybody to put his butt in Bill's face. We went outside yesterday and I don't think he liked it so much. Birds just fly away when you try to lay down next to them butt-to-beak.

The only negative aspect of the house is the park across the street. The park itself isn't a negative, in fact it's a neutral entity - neither good nor bad. I mean the teenage hoodlums that have adopted the spot directly across the street from our house as their own little weed-smoking haven. The pre-owned (slightly used!) hypodermic needles they leave in the play-area next to it give it that sense of unpredictability regarding whether or not you'll contract an STD on any given day. It's an adventure, but at least it keeps me on my toes - primarily because I stepped on one with my heel the other day and it hurts to walk on it now.

I guess I've found a new way to pass the time - I'm calling my city council-people (sarcastic PC-term!!) and calling the cops on these kids every chance I get, because I'm determined to make my neighbors like me. I think it's a good start to hopefully a long stay at a new home.

Oh Summer

2009-09-07T22:44:00.003-04:00

So with another Labor Day here and gone, it seems as if summer has passed by us yet again. The sun, the heat, and of course the A/C, what would we do without it? As much as the summer will be missed, I'll have to say that I'm looking forward to the fall and winter. I always enjoy being able to bring out a coat and bundle up a bit for the weather. I look forward to a really great snow day, and I hoping the Cincinnati sky doesn't disappoint this winter. And who can argue with the look of the trees in Autumn? The changing colors is always a sight to see.

However, I know not everyone likes to see the summer go. So for those who cringe at the word snow and can't stand the thought of sub-80 degree weather, I give you three great videos to remind yourself of how great summer is. They will help you countdown the days until it summer returns, because as I understand it nothing says summer quite like talking crabs and the Honda Element.

This weekend was going so well...

2009-09-06T09:50:00.001-04:00

Until SOMEONE started playing accordion at 9:30am this morning while I'm trying to drink my morning coffee. I won't mention any names.

Applying life to being Catholic (part II of a series)

2009-09-03T22:17:00.005-04:00

For all of you confused by the title, this post will in some small way resemble the post way down below title "Starting New". Thus do to its related nature, and Lucas' strict blog-post-naming guidelines this post has become part II in a sure to be long running series.

As some of you know I am the father of a beautiful little baby girl named Olivia. She is quite cute, and I do very much enjoy my various daddy-duties such as playing, changing diapers, reading to her, etc. A new aspect of daddy-duty that has come up as of late, is my charge to babysit Olivia while my wife goes out for a little bit.

See I have found that while my wife is home and Olivia is being good I consider myself rather adept at being a dad. For example the other night I found myself handling the situation pretty well as Olivia slept by me on the couch while I watched some ESPN. I know, I know parenting skills at their best. However it's the thought of my wife being gone and Olivia in complete temper-tantrum mode that puts fear in my bones.

Exhibit A. As you can see extremely adept.

This got me to thinking, comparing my feelings of adeptness as a parent with my feelings of being a good Catholic witness. See when I'm surrounded by my good friends and family whom are all mostly Catholic, it's easy to be Catholic and to discuss my faith. My issue is when my faith is truly being challenged (or with Olivia, her throwing a huge temper tantrum while my wife is out), will I be prepared to handle the situation?

I would like to think I'm capable. And of course, as in parenthood, there is always room to grow and become a better parent/Catholic witness.

So I ask, are you the Catholic you want to be all the time? Or just when it's easy to be? If not, work on it with me ... we can help each other out. Isn't that our duty?

I just figured out what I'm doing the rest of the day...

2009-09-02T14:07:00.000-04:00

Today's been an extremely busy day at work. I'm posting this on my lunch break, so don't worry - I'm not using company time best served being productive elsewhere...Either way, I just stumbled upon 3 of the greatest photo collections known to man. Enjoy!

World's Ugliest Fish

Awesome Goat Pics

Who doesn't enjoy a good hilarious monkey photo montage?
(WARNING - Some of these are a bit inappropriate, as monkeys seem to enjoy engaging in general debauchery)

Hilarious Monkey Pics

Ghost Town

2009-08-31T11:30:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's been so quiet around here - Steve, Bill, & I have been busy moving into a new house. We enlisted the help of 6 of our closest friends to move our stuff around while we watched. It had high points, like tossing footballs & frisbees & playing basketball in the park across from my new house, drinking beer & eating pizza at 11 am, and the excitement of a new living arrangement.

Despite the fun we had, there were a few logistical glitches involved. First of all, the house was in the process of being repainted, so we had to navigate through the sea of dropcloths and paint buckets in order to get the couches in the house - through the window, of course. The rest of the stuff had to be put in the basement until the painters were finished (which didn't happen until yesterday).

Anyway, we're mostly settled in now, but we still don't have the interwebs at the house yet, which means I'm forced to post frazzled & hurried posts in between making sure everything gets done at work. We'll have the 'net up and running soon at the house, but until then, Brian and Justin will have to hold down the fort. You keep it real!

Thursday Should Be The New Friday

2009-08-25T14:34:00.000-04:00

I like to travel a lot. I travel with Easter Rising (my band, for those of you that don't know) at least once every couple of months, and I truly enjoy the opportunities that I have to travel around the country and visit my copious amount of best friends. Over the past 2 Summers, it's not out of the ordinary to hear the phrase "Oh Lucas, glad you decided to work 40 hours this week!" on Friday mornings in my office. While others take a week or two off at a time to spend time on the beach or engage in similar endeavors, I've decided that spending my vacation days in one shot is pointless. They are much better served on long weekends driving ridiculous distances to hang out with people for a day before you have to drive back home and prepare for the upcoming work week.

Every week I decide to take a long weekend, the rest of the office knows. It normally starts with a subtle mention of my upcoming travels, and ends with my email signature proclaiming that "Thursday is the new Friday!". This inevitably incites workplace rioting in protest of the ridiculous amount of vacation time I take. You see, I'm very valuable - a "Go-To-Guy", if you will.

Brian sent me this link wondering if I was ghostwriting for Scientific American. The answer is no, I am not a ghostwriter, but even if I was I wouldn't tell any of you. We wouldn't want Lynne Peeples losing any credit for her authorship of the article. Regardless, Lynne writes what I've been thinking and pushing for at my job to happen. In these tough economic times, companies need to become more flexible in order to weather the storm more effectively. They need to manage their employees better and in addition to managing the bottom line, find creative ways to boost morale & productivity (I'm spewing what I read from every business blog or Microsoft commercial right back in your face).

Well, I don't expect that any company I work for will ever have a 4 day work week (unless I own it!). I don't think that's such a bad thing. While companies can save on their overhead expenses by shutting down for an extra day, I would think that overall cashflow and customer service would take quite a hit by closing on that extra day. I'm just speculating, because I'm not an economist, but it makes sense in my head. Regardless of how companies decide to structure their work weeks, I will always love it when Thursday becomes the new Friday. Maybe someday far in the future we can all inlude "Wednesday is the new Friday!" in our email signatures.

Starting New

2009-08-22T14:04:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning with a purpose. It was 7 am, and I had gotten more than my share of sleep the night before by virtue of a communal gathering of me, my couch, and the inside of my eyelids converging in blissful harmony at 8 pm.

Last night I backed up all of the files on my computer to my external hard drive, and this morning I strapped on my construction boots and cutoff jean shorts and got right to work. I completely reformatted my computer's hard drive and reinstalled Mac OSX. I did this because my computer had started to slow down to the point where it took a good 30 seconds to load programs. The most frustrating part, and the final motivator in all of this was the fact that even typing had become a chore on my computer. As I would type, the characters flowing from my keyboard would lag and fall behind - I wouldn't be able to see what I was typing for a couple seconds. Annoying to say the least.

Now that I've got everything installed and my computer working like a well-oiled machine (I poured olive oil in the fan port - it was dry as a bone in there!), I'm able to be productive and get things done with my computer - the way it was meant to be used. While thinking about how awesome it is to have a perfectly functioning computer, I thought about how reinstalling and reconfiguring everything on my computer applied to confession, and how they are so similar.

Nearly every action on a computer has an effect on the bigger picture. If you install a program and then delete it, the program will leave residual files on your computer. Over time, these files build up and can slow down your processor. This reminded me of the effect our every day decisions have on our relationships with God and others. It's amazing how sin can seem so harmless in the moment, but yet so damaging in the long term. We fall into the trap of thinking that as long as we're not hurting others directly, our actions don't affect anyone else but ourselves.

Much like a program that leaves files hidden in the background long after it's gone, sin has the power to slow our relationship with God and influence our ability to love. Sin turns us in on ourselves and makes us focus on our internal selfish desires, rather than the true task of Love as Catholics and Christians.

Confession allows us this wonderful opportunity to get rid of these "programs" (sin) that affect our ability to truly love others and God. Through the Grace offered in the sacrament, I'm looking forward to the opportunity today to "reinstall" my second operating system, and start looking for opportunities to truly love others.

He says

2009-08-21T13:50:00.001-04:00

Thank you for the introduction Lucas. Beautifully worded. I am honored by your willingness to sacrifice monetary gain to include me in your blog.

Here we go ...

I enjoy commercials just as much as the next guy. Actually I usually watch commercials and don't change the channel the instant they come on, so I probably like commercials more than the next guy. But everytime I see this particular commerical,

I just sit and think to myself ... self "they have got to be kidding me".

In case you haven't seen the commercial, and still don't feel like watching it on YouTube the basic premise is that you as a woman have no need to have a period every month. If you don't want to, they say, you don't have to.

Several times in the commercial they ask, "Who says?" in reference to whom is "forcing" them to have 12 periods a year. Hold on ... thinking, thinking, thinking ... oh that's right God says. I'm pretty sure that God didn't just sit down one day in Paradise with his pair-a-dice (that was good) and say, I'm going roll these dice and whatever comes up that's the number of periods women will have.
-- On a side note, God would be quite the competitor in Yahtzee I'd imagine. --
I would like to think God had a pretty good reason for giving women the number of periods they have, say ... to give us a good chance of procreating. Maybe.

I will give them the fact that, yes, scientifically they can in fact reduce the number of periods you will have. But just in case you were wondering messing with God's plan doesn't always work out well for the best, as you will find out listening to the end of the video (heart attacks, strokes, blood clots, etc.).

So next time you are riding the sofa and get that urge to surf, stop and watch the commercials so you can become enlightened by 30-second bits of worldly matters. Really, "Who says" all commercials are bad ...

Yet ANOTHER New Contributor!

2009-08-21T13:20:00.000-04:00

After much internal debate between Brian and myself, we have decided to expand our team of bloggers to a whopping 3! Although the economy is still in the dumps, and our profit margins here at ACNS are already low, Brian and I offered to cut our own salaries in order to bring Justin Egan in as a member of the team. This blog isn't about the money, it was never about the money. It's about real people talking about real things, for your reading pleasure.

Justin is a great guy with some fantastic insights. I'm giving both him and Brian free reign on whatever they would like to post about, be it sports, weather, news, community involvement...etc. Anyway, we're pleased as hell to have Justin with us, and I hope you give him a chance!

On another note, we'd love to hear some more feedback on what you read. We want to know what you're thinking about what we think. Comment away & tell your friends!

~Lucas

'We are God's partners in matters of life and death'

2009-08-20T13:26:00.004-04:00

The following is from www.politico.com. Author Ben Smith posts on his blog about the conference call between the prez & prominent Jewish rabbis. The title of this post is a quote from President Obama, and it rings eerily hollow compared with the reality of the currently proposed healthcare reform bill.

A reader points out that President Obama's call with the rabbis today — as recorded in Rabbi Jack Moline's and other clerics' Twitter feeds — freights health care reform with a great deal of religious meaning, and veers into the blend of policy and faith that outraged liberals in the last administration.

"We are God's partners in matters of life and death," Obama said, according to Moline (paging Sarah Palin...), quoting from the Rosh Hashanah prayer that says that in the holiday period, it is decided "who shall live and who shall die."

The president ended the call by wishing the rabbis "shanah tovah," or happy new year — in reference to the High Holidays a month from now.

I don't know where or when we became God's partners in the decision making process of when to end someone's life. It must have just come to light since our country's "savior" was elected. I'm sure glad we have our government to let us know when these things happen - how would we know otherwise?

You can read the article in it's original context here

My Dad's Blog

2009-08-20T12:57:00.004-04:00

My dad has recently started his own blog in order to backup & distribute his poetry. You can find it right here. It's a collection of all of the poetry he's composed over the past several years.

It's so easy to get caught up in our individual day-to-day responsibilities and desires. While I constantly fight the battle of trusting God for what I need and the desire to control everything, his poetry grants me the opportunity to give myself a reality check, which I can always use!

Anyway, check it out and leave him a comment or two letting him know what you think. I'm inspired and privelidged to have such a wise & talented father.

Willkommen zu Vergessenheit

2009-08-18T22:42:00.005-04:00

Let me direct your collective attention to a blog, just started by a friend of mine. "Willkommen zu Vergessenheit", or, in the lesser-educated layman's terms, "Welcome to Oblivion" (Google Translate assisted).

Chris is a fantastic writer and a better friend. Hope you enjoy what he has to say, and I hope he links back to my blog, because you can now find him under "My Favorite Sites" on the right hand side of what you're reading right now (Unless I've posted other things after this, which would make the link list still on the right hand side, just a little North of this post).

You might even find me sharing his posts in my Google Reader. If you don't have Google Reader, get it. Because it's awesome.

American Capitalism Gone With a Whimper

2009-08-17T08:25:00.003-04:00

This article originally appeared in the April 27th edition of the Russian state newspaper, Pravda.

Things always seem to come full-circle, don't they?

It must be said, that like the breaking of a great dam, the American descent into Marxism is happening with breath taking speed, against the back drop of a passive, hapless sheeple, excuse me dear reader, I meant people.

True, the situation has been well prepared on and off for the past century, especially the past twenty years. The initial testing grounds was conducted upon our Holy Russia and a bloody test it was. But we Russians would not just roll over and give up our freedoms and our souls, no matter how much money Wall Street poured into the fists of the Marxists.

Those lessons were taken and used to properly prepare the American populace for the surrender of their freedoms and souls, to the whims of their elites and betters.

First, the population was dumbed down through a politicized and substandard education system based on pop culture, rather than the classics. Americans know more about their favorite TV dramas than the drama in DC that directly affects their lives. They care more for their "right" to choke down a McDonalds burger or a Burger King burger than for their constitutional rights. Then they turn around and lecture us about our rights and about our "democracy". Pride blinds the foolish.

Then their faith in God was destroyed, until their churches, all tens of thousands of different "branches and denominations" were for the most part little more than Sunday circuses and their televangelists and top protestant mega preachers were more than happy to sell out their souls and flocks to be on the "winning" side of one pseudo Marxist politician or another. Their flocks may complain, but when explained that they would be on the "winning" side, their flocks were ever so quick to reject Christ in hopes for earthly power. Even our Holy Orthodox churches are scandalously liberalized in America.

The final collapse has come with the election of Barack Obama. His speed in the past three months has been truly impressive. His spending and money printing has been a record setting, not just in America's short history but in the world. If this keeps up for more than another year, and there is no sign that it will not, America at best will resemble the Weimar Republic and at worst Zimbabwe.

These past two weeks have been the most breathtaking of all. First came the announcement of a planned redesign of the American Byzantine tax system, by the very thieves who used it to bankroll their thefts, loses and swindles of hundreds of billions of dollars. These make our Russian oligarchs look little more than ordinary street thugs, in comparison. Yes, the Americans have beat our own thieves in the shear volumes. Should we congratulate them?

These men, of course, are not an elected panel but made up of appointees picked from the very financial oligarchs and their henchmen who are now gorging themselves on trillions of American dollars, in one bailout after another. They are also usurping the rights, duties and powers of the American Congress (parliament). Again, Congress has put up little more than a whimper to their masters.

Then came Barack Obama's command that GM's (General Motors) president step down from leadership of his company. That is correct, dear reader, in the land of "pure" free markets, the American president now has the power, the self given power, to fire CEOs and we can assume other employees of private companies, at will. Come hither, go dither, the centurion commands his minions.

So it should be no surprise, that the American president has followed this up with a "bold" move of declaring that he and another group of unelected, chosen stooges will now redesign the entire automotive industry and will even be the guarantee of automobile policies. I am sure that if given the chance, they would happily try and redesign it for the whole of the world, too. Prime Minister Putin, less than two months ago, warned Obama and UK's Blair, not to follow the path to Marxism, it only leads to disaster. Apparently, even though we suffered 70 years of this Western sponsored horror show, we know nothing, as foolish, drunken Russians, so let our "wise" Anglo-Saxon fools find out the folly of their own pride.

Again, the American public has taken this with barely a whimper...but a "freeman" whimper.

So, should it be any surprise to discover that the Democratically controlled Congress of America is working on passing a new regulation that would give the American Treasury department the power to set "fair" maximum salaries, evaluate performance and control how private companies give out pay raises and bonuses? Senator Barney Franks, a social pervert basking in his homosexuality (of course, amongst the modern, enlightened American societal norm, as well as that of the general West, homosexuality is not only not a looked down upon life choice, but is often praised as a virtue) and his Marxist enlightenment, has led this effort. He stresses that this only affects companies that receive government monies, but it is retroactive and taken to a logical extreme, this would include any company or industry that has ever received a tax break or incentive.

The Russian owners of American companies and industries should look thoughtfully at this and the option of closing their facilities down and fleeing the land of the Red as fast as possible. In other words, divest while there is still value left. The proud American will go down into his slavery without a fight, beating his chest and proclaiming to the world, how free he really is. The world will only snicker.

Steroids in Baseball

2009-08-13T15:43:00.004-04:00

I am the self-proclaimed biggest baseball fan in the world, but that's a lie. That title goes to my brother Max, who has a ritual for listening to Reds games on the radio that includes ingesting large quantities of oatmeal while sitting on a stool by the kitchen counter and sharing his unequivocal baseball knowledge with anyone in within earshot. That said, I'm still a pretty big baseball fan. Rookies.

1994 was a dark day for baseball due to the failing labor negotiations between the owners and the players union. The owners wanted a salary cap to protect their revenues from being eaten alive by steadily rising salaries brought about by the advent of free agency for players in 1975. Before that time, teams held players for as long as they wanted and paid them whatever they felt was "fair" at the time. Once free agency hit, salaries escalated due to the free market system - larger market teams could pay more for better players, and the small-market teams were frightened about the possibility of the inability to field a competitive team, decreasing their ticket and concession sales, leading to a decrease in their revenues and profits.

Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of the strike in baseball, and coincidentally, Bronson Arroyo is on the front page of USA Today for his candor and honesty regarding the use of performance enhancing supplements, some of which are not approved by Major League Baseball. Given the drama over the past few years regarding high-profile stars testing positive for steroids and hormonal supplements, and their refusal to offer sincere apologies for their actions, I think it's time for MLB & the mass media to wake up and realize that they're to blame for the current state of the steroid "scandal" that engulfs any discussion regarding baseball.

All of this leads to the owners of the teams looking the other way at their players taking illegal substances in order to pad their own bank accounts, the players looking for their fair piece of the pie, and the media glorifying otherwise normal people for their ability to play a game. We're all suckers for playing their game. You can call me a sucker, but tonight you'll find me listening to the Reds game in my kitchen, bowl of oatmeal in hand - for the love of the game itself.

Over/Under

2009-08-11T15:16:00.002-04:00

What's the over/under on how many days it takes for Brian to post something funny? I'm gonna go with 6 1/2 days...

Moving! (This time for realsies)

2009-08-08T13:00:00.003-04:00

My close friends and family can attest to the fact that I am a flip-flopper. I get these wonderful ideas in my head and then tell everybody I know about my plans, only to come back a few weeks later confusing those who don't know the way I operate. For example, I was all set to go to Arizona for recording school earlier this year. I had such perfect plans, but they were quickly annihilated by my more-high-maintenance-than-a-teenage-girl car and the various physical ailments & injuries that kicked in to thankfully save me from making what would most likely be a terrible investment in my financial & emotional health and future.

Bill and I are moving, except this time it's different. We have agreed to move to a vacant house owned by my dad's side of the family, most recently occupied by my uncle, who has moved into an assisted-living home. While the actual living space in this new home is not much more than my current apartment, it will be nice to have a house with that extra space & some outside room for Steve to run & explore without the fear of him getting shot by the drug dealers down the street or hit with a broom by the Greek lady a couple doors down.

While we haven't finalized the date when we'll be out of our current apartment, I can safely say it will be in the next month or so that Bill, Steve & I will be shackin' up in our new digs. If you would like to volunteer to move all of my stuff while I "supervise & delegate", I will pay you with compliments for a solid 5 minutes. Additionally, for all you out of town readers, I'll up that to 7 minutes. Where else can you go to feel so good about yourself?

New Blog Contributor!

2009-08-05T10:25:00.003-04:00

Get ready for a little variety in your lives, because "A Cat Named Steve" has added another blogger to our team (me) to help out with the glut of posting requests we get here on a daily basis. Our new blogger, Brian Ezell, will be posting his thoughts on issues, events, & general discussion within the Church, as well as anything else that might interest him. I'm honored to have him...

I'm staying up past my bedtime...

2009-08-04T23:27:00.004-04:00

The definition of irony can be consolidated into this very moment as I sit at my computer, wide eyed and eager.

It rained all day long. All I wanted was to take a nap on my couch with about 5 pillows and a giant comforter. I would leave the window slightly open to let the blasts of thunder permeate the room and conjoin with my emotions to create an air of violent relaxation. Days like these I wish I was still a landscaper.

Today is the Feast of St. John Vianney, patron saint of priests. I'm going to attempt to get some sleep, but all you priests out there who read this, I hope you've had a blessed day. Before I close my eyes for the night, I will say a prayer for you & your ministry of leadership & service and everyone who comes in contact with you. Thanks for answering the call to your vocation!

You keep it real, all you priests...

Mini-Fridge

2009-07-31T13:41:00.005-04:00

The scene is Summer, 2002. The nervous & excited tension hung in the air like a pair of plaid boxer shorts blowing in the wind on a clothesline in my parents backyard after I had done a load of laundry, but my mom needed the dryer, so I hung the clothes I had just taken out of the washer on the line in the backyard so they wouldn't start to smell all musty and gross, because the ladies don't like musty and gross smelling dudes - even if they actually ARE musty and gross...The ladies just don't like it. Trust me...one of my...uh...friends had a bad experience once...uh...yeah, one of my friends.

It was my last load of laundry to be done at home until Christmas break after my first semester at college rolled around. Possibly my last load of laundry in general until Christmas break. Quarters were hard to come by because everyone I know was saving the State quarters to put in their little State-quarter-holder-thingies so they could show it to their friends and hopefully make (let's see...$.25 x 50...carry the 7...$12.50) Twelve dollars and some change in the future by selling it to a budding novice coin collector on Craigslist who thinks he just scored a great deal, thus creating a laundry-quarter shortage for the semester.

Anyway, I found myself in the midst of packing my s*** for college. I carefully wrapped all my knick-knacks, doohickeys, and gizmos in tissue paper and bubble wrap to ensure their safety and inanimate peace of mind on the 4 hour van trip to Steubenville. I arrived at my new dorm room with visions of grandeur and splendid beauty, only to be confronted with the heart-crushing reality of a Wal-Mart style tile floor, painted cinder block walls, and bland, yet suprisingly durable furniture. Clearly, the comforts of home would be missed without the convenience of a big-screen TV, the fashionability of expensive curtains, and the sqare footage for my orange construction barrel collection.

This all happened before my roommate even arrived. He, surely as shocked as I at the lack of convenience of dorm-style living, provided a simple yet elegant solution to one of the glaring problems with our new-found living situation: a mini-fridge. In an instant, the outlook for the first 3 lonely months of college got just a little bit better. We now had a place to store our precious hot-pockets and canned lemonade. The size just happened to be perfect as well - it was mini, just like our room! It made me feel like I was living the the fake Geico reality TV show "Tiny House" - at least everything was proportionate.

Fast forward 7 years to the present - I just got a mini fridge in my cubicle here at work. An exciting prospect suddenly turned less so when I found out I couldn't store liquor in it due to company policy, but I quickly realized that I could store a 6-pack...of soda in it, or anything I wanted to keep cold, really. At this very moment, it's got a few bottles of water in it, and that's good enough for me.

Meaningful Relationships

2009-07-29T15:52:00.003-04:00

You know, for all the talking I do, I've realized that I don't have a whole lot of meaningful things to say - at least here on my blog. I've never been one to alienate people by my viewpoints or stir the political or religious "pot", if you will. That said, I think most that come in contact with me know where I stand with regard to my beliefs and moral values.

This brings me to a question that's been nesting in the back of my head for a couple years now. I've always known what I believe as a Catholic, and I firmly believe that what the Church teaches is 100% unadulterated Truth. The question is: How does a Catholic in the workforce and social scene evangelize without alienating those around him who do not believe the same? Some of my closest friends have completely opposite world views than I do. Much of that stems from their childhood and relationships with their family/friends during formative years.

Maybe I'm just scared of losing friends, but I don't think that's the case. I have a problem with Catholics that only hang out with other Catholics and can't get along with people who don't share their same views. I truly value the many relationships I share with those who disagree with my beliefs, or just don't care about them. I feel like I'm supposed to be fostering these relationships into ones with more meaning and purpose than just a good time or decent company.

How does one evangelize without alienating or making the other feel uncomfortable?

I am an Idiot

2009-07-27T13:58:00.002-04:00

It has been brought to my attention that I'm an idiot. This may not come as a suprise to some or most of you, but it has just been verified and confirmed that I am an A+ first class dumba$$.

I was messing around with the settings on this here site to email me every time someone posted a comment, and when I originally read it, I thought that it was telling me it would send me an email every time one of the people whose email addresses I entered decided to post a comment...Au Contraire. Instead, it emailed some of you every time someone else posted a comment - thereby clogging up your inbox with useless dribble that nobody really cares about anyway. For that I apologize.

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive this slight "detail" that I missed...

You keep it real - people who I spammed!